YELP Reviews Translated

Posted: November 2, 2015 by S. Trevor Swenson in Uncategorized

My new hobby is reading negative reviews on YELP and imagining the bitter a$$hoes who write them. I like to translate what they write VS what probably really happened.  I posted a few of these on Facebook yesterday and was thrilled when two friends chimed in and suggested I put this on my blog.  Hope everyone enjoys it.  Please note that all of my YELP reviews are fair, thoughtful, and subtlety genius.   I also promise, from this day forward to write all forthcoming YELP reviews in haiku format.

Heavenly Burger

Waitress didn’t flirt with me

One star for you ,bitch

“I wish they’d let me give zero stars”
Yeah, Yeah,. well Yelp doesn’t. Don’t worry, you have enough bitterness in your review to get the point across”

“I waited 35 minutes for a waitress”
Translation: You waited 6-8 minutes.

“I politely asked….”
Translation: You demanded something in the most entitled and snotty manner possible

“The server was really rude”
Translation: The server put up with your rude, trifling, and ridiculous behavior for over an hour…then you caught them rolling their eyes at you.

“I’ll never come here again”
Translation: “I hope the manager or owner reads my litany of BS and invites me back for a free drink, drinks or a meal and begs for forgiveness. I also hope I get a waiter or waitress fired”

“I had a Group-On/ coupon and they wouldn’t honor it”
Translation: “I am unbelievably cheap and petty. I only go to places where I can get discounts via my scouring the internet for coupons…In addition to the free stuff I got with the coupon, I wanted more…MUCH more. I ordered $50 worth of food and drinks, but I only tipped for the $25 on the check…and I still found plenty to complain about. I was annoyed by the conditions of the coupon and bitched about it til a manager gave me what I wanted in an attempt to just get me to leave”

“They didn’t have a children’s menu”
Translation: “My child screamed and ruined the other patrons meals…then the waiter had to pick up all the drooled upon cheerios I bring everywhere for my precious larva”

“They RUINED my birthday”:

 Translation:  ” I was given a free drink and or a piece of cake, but I’m certainly entitled to much more.  I wanted the kitchen staff to emerge and sing “Happy Birthday” to me in a flawless Acapella format, I also wanted my meal comped, followed by a score of tormentors from my childhood to be paraded in front of my table begging forgiveness…” They could have at least rented a pony for pony rides, or would a clown and some balloon animals be too much to ask”

“They totally screwed up our reservation”

Translation: “Our party showed up late and one at a time over the course of an hour and a half during the busiest time for the restaurant, and we had to wait for 5 minutes for the table that had been reserved for an hour before we were able to be seated”

“The waitress ignored me”

Translation: “I was on my cell phone and sending banal text messages every time our server came by to check on our table, except for one instance where I made a face at the server and waved them to be gone with a rude and dismissive wave of my hand. I had to,  she was interrupting my “N.M.  U?” text ”

“The waitress was really rude.”

Translation:  Female: “I suspect my boyfriend was attracted to the waitress and now I want her fired for being marginally attractive”

                     Male: ” I tried to flirt with the waitress, but she wasn’t interested, and now I’m butt-hurt”

” I wrote a 2 page review accompanied with one star”
Translation: ” I have aspirations of being a writer, yet I lack the talent and tenacity to be successful, so I post bitterness on YELP containing as many $20 words as possible.  I made a bad choice by majoring in English Lit in college and now all the waiters, waitresses and bartenders are going to pay.  Oh, and my French fries were cold”
  1. Robert Doyle says:

    This one rings so true for me. You did a great job writing this, and it is very funny, but the reality of those faded writers dreams that so many Yelp reviews have is a massive turn off. Reading them I have often thought these types of thoughts but you articulated them so well. Great post Scott, I hope it approaches the ‘James Bond’ types of views for you!

  2. Ralph Tyler says:

    THe Yelpers are a good target and you’ve hit some bullseyes.



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