Archive for November, 2015

Cain and Abel

Posted: November 12, 2015 by S. Trevor Swenson in Uncategorized

Cain and Abel  ( I wrote this blog entry in April, which would explain the Easter reference and shows how on top of my writing and editing.)

 Last Sunday was Easter and I decided to throw some Biblical and religion questions into my weekly trivia montage. I do a weekly trivia thing at the bar where I work every Sunday.  It allows for me to act like a more smug yet less paid Alex Trebek.  Hell, I can’t even get my wardrobe furnished by Botany 500.  Anyhoo… a couple of the questions were about Adam and Eve’s sons Cain and Abel.  After thinking about this story, I saw a lot of holes and some inconsistencies.
Here’s the run down the C&A story for those of you who don’t know.
Cain and Abel were Adam and Eve’s two sons. A & E had lots of kids according to the Bible, but Cain and Abel were their first.  Both Cain and Abel made a sacrifice to God.  Cain;a farmer, gave some wheat or some kind of grain, and Abel gave, well killed really, some sheep or lambs.  God didn’t “accept” or “have regard” for Cain’s sacrifice, but he accepted Abel’s.  Cain was pissed off.  He kills Abel.  Later God asked Cain where Abel was, and Cain got mouthy about it and responds  “Am I my brother’s keeper?”  Naturally, God finds out about the murder and banishes Cain to “The Land of Nod”
So let’s go through this and onto my problems with the story.  First of all.  A sacrifice?  Really God?  Really?  I don’t know that just sounds so…cliche.  Like tossing a virgin into a volcano.  Then God doesn’t accept or “have regard”(< That’s what The Bible said) for one of the sacrifices?  Well, that’s just rude.  Really rude.  Imagine if a parent did that to a pair of siblings.   “Well Jimmy, I liked the finger painting you made in class, but your brother’s drawing just sucked…I mean he made the sun as big as the tree and the house  DUH  Spacial relations there Picasso…Oh quit yer crying”
So naturally Cain is hurt, or “downcast” as it says in the Bible.   There’s a word that needs to make a comeback.  “How are you today Scott?”  ” Me?  Oh I’m Downcast.”
Here’s another thing I don’t get.  Cain is mad at God, but he kills his brother?  Huh? Later God asks Cain where Abel is, and Cain answers “I know not, Am I my brother’s keeper?”
Hold the phone.   First of all; doesn’t God see everything?  Isn’t that why us Catholic boys feel so guilty in regards to masturbation? Because God can see us and our frequent one-man-band concerts.  Doesn’t God also know everything?  So why is he asking where Abel is?  The only thing I can guess is that God is playing games like a cop or psycho girlfriend…He knows the answer, but wants to see if you’re going to lie.
I’m not terribly impressed with God in this story.  He strikes me as petty, rude, maybe a little mean spirited, and passive-aggressive.  I’m not impressed.
The other thing that puzzles me, is why is Cain getting mouthy with such a cranky deity?  That doesn’t strike me as all that clever?  God is capable of some seriously bad shit…like cancer, 3rd degree burns…I think he even made it rain frogs once.  Where’s the common sense.  When I’m annoyed with the scary looking dude with his gang tattooed on his neck and face standing obliviously in the subway door when I am trying to enter the train…I keep my Negative Nancy thoughts to myself.
I want some explanations.  Anyone know a patient priest or rabbi I can talk to about these questions?  I’ll even buy them coffee or a drink.  Maybe they will “Have Regard” for a double cappuccino.
And people wonder why there are so many atheists and agnostics out there.

YELP Reviews Translated

Posted: November 2, 2015 by S. Trevor Swenson in Uncategorized

My new hobby is reading negative reviews on YELP and imagining the bitter a$$hoes who write them. I like to translate what they write VS what probably really happened.  I posted a few of these on Facebook yesterday and was thrilled when two friends chimed in and suggested I put this on my blog.  Hope everyone enjoys it.  Please note that all of my YELP reviews are fair, thoughtful, and subtlety genius.   I also promise, from this day forward to write all forthcoming YELP reviews in haiku format.

Heavenly Burger

Waitress didn’t flirt with me

One star for you ,bitch

“I wish they’d let me give zero stars”
Yeah, Yeah,. well Yelp doesn’t. Don’t worry, you have enough bitterness in your review to get the point across”

“I waited 35 minutes for a waitress”
Translation: You waited 6-8 minutes.

“I politely asked….”
Translation: You demanded something in the most entitled and snotty manner possible

“The server was really rude”
Translation: The server put up with your rude, trifling, and ridiculous behavior for over an hour…then you caught them rolling their eyes at you.

“I’ll never come here again”
Translation: “I hope the manager or owner reads my litany of BS and invites me back for a free drink, drinks or a meal and begs for forgiveness. I also hope I get a waiter or waitress fired”

“I had a Group-On/ coupon and they wouldn’t honor it”
Translation: “I am unbelievably cheap and petty. I only go to places where I can get discounts via my scouring the internet for coupons…In addition to the free stuff I got with the coupon, I wanted more…MUCH more. I ordered $50 worth of food and drinks, but I only tipped for the $25 on the check…and I still found plenty to complain about. I was annoyed by the conditions of the coupon and bitched about it til a manager gave me what I wanted in an attempt to just get me to leave”

“They didn’t have a children’s menu”
Translation: “My child screamed and ruined the other patrons meals…then the waiter had to pick up all the drooled upon cheerios I bring everywhere for my precious larva”

“They RUINED my birthday”:

 Translation:  ” I was given a free drink and or a piece of cake, but I’m certainly entitled to much more.  I wanted the kitchen staff to emerge and sing “Happy Birthday” to me in a flawless Acapella format, I also wanted my meal comped, followed by a score of tormentors from my childhood to be paraded in front of my table begging forgiveness…” They could have at least rented a pony for pony rides, or would a clown and some balloon animals be too much to ask”

“They totally screwed up our reservation”

Translation: “Our party showed up late and one at a time over the course of an hour and a half during the busiest time for the restaurant, and we had to wait for 5 minutes for the table that had been reserved for an hour before we were able to be seated”

“The waitress ignored me”

Translation: “I was on my cell phone and sending banal text messages every time our server came by to check on our table, except for one instance where I made a face at the server and waved them to be gone with a rude and dismissive wave of my hand. I had to,  she was interrupting my “N.M.  U?” text ”

“The waitress was really rude.”

Translation:  Female: “I suspect my boyfriend was attracted to the waitress and now I want her fired for being marginally attractive”

                     Male: ” I tried to flirt with the waitress, but she wasn’t interested, and now I’m butt-hurt”

” I wrote a 2 page review accompanied with one star”
Translation: ” I have aspirations of being a writer, yet I lack the talent and tenacity to be successful, so I post bitterness on YELP containing as many $20 words as possible.  I made a bad choice by majoring in English Lit in college and now all the waiters, waitresses and bartenders are going to pay.  Oh, and my French fries were cold”