Hot For Teacher

Posted: June 28, 2014 by S. Trevor Swenson in Uncategorized
“They say “Those who can’t do, teach, and those who can’t teach…teach gym”- Woody Allen Annie Hall
After submitting two articles to 3 magazines for publication and being rejected I feel I have spent far too long and more than enough time in chasing my elusive fantasy of being a writer  . I’m going to do what I do best in times of difficulty.  I’m going to quit.    It’s time to get serious and utilize my talents.  I’m going to teach creative writing.  I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. I need a career, and I’m entirely too awesome for anything as mundane as going to school, grad school and working my way up at some profession. I am a child of the 80s.  We have a warped sense of entitlement, and those of my generation who don’t…well people like me more than make up for it.  I love writing, and even more than that I love feeling smarter than others and dashing their hopes.   Being paid for doing this?  Even better than my all time favorite job of being a roadie for a garage band,
Today there are all kinds of learning annexs and community centers that offer night classes.  This is a bonus for me as I am quite nocturnal…blame it on TV Land, Nick At Nite and Turner Classic Movies.   These learning centers and night classes charge big bucks and I am convinced that many of  the instructors all have fictitious degrees.   I can put together fake qualifications with ease. I have friends in England and Germany who would love nothing more than to give me an extensive contrived work history. Hint:  Accents and bogus qualifications from foreign countries are great.  Who checks on these things?  I could have my friend Silvia write me a glowing recommendation…in German.  Very few of us are strangers to the little white lies that have become mandatory with job histories.  Hell, my current resume has been praised as one of the great works of American fiction of our time. I’ll study some pretentious and obscure words for an interview, invest in a tweed jacket, grow a beard, buy a pipe and voila…I am now Professor Swenson your creative writing teacher.
I have rather pronounced problems with my attention span.  Experts have called it ADD or ADHD, but “disorder” is too mild a word for what I am afflicted with.  I have petitioned the psychiatry and neurology community to come up with a new ailment based soley on me.  “ADC”  Attention Deficit Catastrophe or ADM Attention Deficit Meltdown.  I have even volunteered to be a case study.  I pictured myself contentedly living in a nice clean laboratory with my own tire swing, fresh shredded newspaper, and pretty college co-eds giving me fun experimental drugs, watching me play with colored blocks, etch-a-sketches and trying to teach me sign language. My point I am demonstrating( rather well if you read the last paragraph) is that I have trouble staying on topic.  How in the world could I expect to read and grade 25 or 30 creative writing assignments.?   Well I have thought of this.  I’ll just ask that all assignments to be turned in as a word file so I can just hit the spell check feature, which also corrects grammar.   Then I will print up the papers, grab a red pencil and commence in dashing the hopes of young writers.  Surely no one can fault me for wanting a bitter outlet for my failed writing career.  You can’t keep too much bitterness bottled up inside or you begin to exhibit a  socially unacceptable level of mumbling to yourself or wackaloon persecution theories.  Case in point?  Mr Donald J Trump.
I want to print the papers as one of my many teaching fantasies involves storming up and down rows of desks and publicly humiliating students by throwing their papers at them and announcing their grade to the entire class coupled with biting commentary
“Mr Blatt….F”
“Ms Chestworthy….C minus”
“Ms Corsette…D”
“Mis-ter Mar-Za-lek….D minus…maybe if you spend more time on your work and less time drawing little scribbles in your notebook you might get a better grade”
and so on.
I’m sure I’ll read, or more accurately skim (because that’s how we ADDer’s read) some of my student’s papers.  If I have enough love or hate for a person or a thing, I can muster enough attention to dissect every milligram of minutia.  I’d love to discover a passionate new writer and inspire them.  I would just as passionately assassinate the self esteem of a student who sauntered into my class 3 minutes late, or sends text messages during my brilliant lecture on why George Orwell is the greatest author of all time and anyone who disagrees with me are mistaken.  One of my last English teachers told me that my college banned the use of the dreaded red pencil used by teachers to correct papers since the dawn of time.  She told me that the red pencil was banned because the college had made the decision that it was detrimental to students self esteem.  Upon hearing this, I died a little bit inside, rolled my eyes and blurted out  “But how do you let students know their stupid?  Stickers?”  Like countless teachers before her she glared at me and hissed “Shhh”.
Speaking of stickers, that is one trend in teaching I was sad to see go in first grade.  I loved getting stickers on my papers.  Gold stars, red stars, little Sesame Street characters like Grover giving a thumbs up sign with a big “Great Job” caption.  Teachers had to edit themselves a little back then too as I noticed that Karl Kane our school’s less intelligent version of Forrest Gump never got the Oscar the Grouch sticker with Oscar yelling “Scram” and flashing a green furred middle finger.  I collect stickers now and have some terrifically appropriate ones for  term papers.  I got a sheet of stickers with the “Elmo Goes To The Potty” activity book that sits in my bathroom this very minute.  I bought it for the Cookie Monster images which I collect as well as to combat occasional irregularity.  The “Going to the Potty” sticker set would be perfect for correcting adult ed papers.  There were plenty featuring a smiling Ernie and Bert with a caption reading “Great Job”  or “You learn fast!!” for my favorite students, as well as some with a less than happy  Cookie Monster and the words “Don’t Forget To Flush” for my less than stellar students.   Of course If I wanted to be cryptic and make a student think, I could adorn their paper with a Guy Smiley sticker that reads “Make Sure To Wash Your Hands”.
Yes, stickers will definitely be a part of the curriculum.
Now if you’ll all excuse me, I have a fictional resume to work on.
  1. Anonymous says:

    Great job


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