“Who’s bothering you now, Scotty?”

Posted: January 3, 2013 by S. Trevor Swenson in Life, Me & Mine
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
"Nice attitude"

“Nice attitude”

In the film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Ferris Bueller has a bitch-on-wheels sister named Jeannie who resents (among seemingly everything else in her universe) her brother’s popularity and ability to buck the system. She storms down to the principal’s office where the secretary asks her blandly, “Well, hello, Jeannie. Who’s bothering you now?” This brief movie snippet popped into my head during my morning exercise session. It’s a question I could be asked daily…probably several times a day.

“Who’s bothering you now, Scotty?” could be a regular column for me if I possessed any kind of continuity whatsoever, and if there was a market for reading my daily grievances. So far I have found 19 people in the world who are even remotely interested in this… and that took me 6 years. I consider it a major achievement.

So who (and what) is bothering me today? Hmmm well it’s only 8:43am, but I’m a pro and managed to find some people who are bothering me already (yeah, I’m that good)

On my way to the park to exercise I encountered 2 separate sidewalk hogs. One was a woman with what looked to be about 400 children. It may have only been 5 or 6, but it was difficult to tell as they were an unruly swarm running amok. I stopped short to avoid one, waddling into my path. I tried to take a step forward just as his brother strayed in front of me and stared off into the distance. I tried to take a step back, but there were 2 more there behind me. They were so beautifully and efficiently underfoot, I would swear they had Navy SEAL training to coordinate this. After a few more seizure like dance steps I was forced onto the road. I glared angrily at mom, who was pregnant (of course she was). If she can’t keep them on a leash or shock collar, she should at least stop pumping ‘em out. I’d be a happy man if 1/10th of the people I glare at angrily on a daily basis would catch my glance, realize the error or their ways and apologize. Of course she paid no attention to me, or her brood. She was most likely on her way to a doctor to see if it was possible to get pregnant, while being pregnant.

The second sidewalk hog was an old woman with a yappy little Maltese dog. Granny and pooch had their leash stretched across the entire sidewalk waiting for Fido to drop a deuce. I stopped and waited… and waited. I glanced down at the pooch who looked up at me with a bored “speak to the management” expression. I then looked at the management. Granny ignored me until I heaved a loud, impatient sigh at her. It should be noted that the volume of my impatient sighs has, in the past inspired people to call the police with noise complaints. The blue meanies show up at my door and ask if I have been sighing again, and then announce that they “don’t want to have to come back here again”. Eventually granny spoke up. “Come on Angel, don’t you have to go?” It made me think that there might be a need for an invention of a new retractable leash and harness for little dogs. Push a button and they go flying back through the air “Arooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo”. Practical and entertaining. Eventually I stepped over the leash, because God forbid she would actually pull Angel back and allow the human being use of the sidewalk. Another reminder of where I sit in the world’s pecking order…right behind a dog’s BM. I growled at the dog and glared angrily at Angel’s mommy. She ignored me too. Is it too much to ask for people to pay attention to the perpetually scowling angry man?

I made it to the park and started doing my laps. This went well for a short time. I had my tunes with me and most of the others in the park were elderly, so I felt young and fit. I made it a point to burn by an 80-something year old bag and her walker. I can roll along at a pretty fast pace, especially after I have had my morning coffee, cigarette and annoyances. The smooth sailing was short lived of course. On my last lap a father and his 3 or 4 year old daughter on her new Christmas bike played a beautiful defensive scheme on this Tom Brady. Her bike was pink and frilly with training wheels, sparkles and pictures of Dora The Explorer giving the world the finger on its wheels. It reminded me a great deal of my first bike…when I was 16. Daddy’s little princess was zig zagging all over the track and the joggers, homeless trash diggers, dog walkers and most importantly I had to dodge her version of Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. The theme for the day seemed to be obstruction. I was half expecting to find a VW bug parked in front of my door on the second floor of my apartment building when I got home. I spared dad and brat my scowl. They had taken their obliviousness to a group level. I did, however, cup my hands over my mouth and yell after them; “There’s no Santa Claus, you know! Mommy and daddy are big liars!!!”

  1. Scarlet says:

    Most excellent, Sir.

    Sent from my iPad

  2. Dazy says:

    Seriously funny, I hooted a few times…love your snarky manner, totally relate!

  3. Anonymous says:

    nicely done from brian the uncle


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