Irritant Du Jour

Posted: August 18, 2012 by S. Trevor Swenson in Life, Me & Mine
Tags: , , , , , ,

Today I got up and decided to get a few things done. I dragged two heaping bags of dirty laundry to the laundromat. I ran out of detergent after the first load and had to walk to the 99 cent store to buy a new container of Tide from the Chinese guy who works there and who’s voice sounds like he has been chain-smoking More Menthol 100s since he was 4. I know that tobacco altered tone. My Aunt Miggie had it. The detergent was $5.69 which was a far cry from the 99 cents the store claims to sell their merchandise for.

I was washing one of my body pillows. I like to sleep with body pillows, I can snuggle and cuddle with them and they don’t monopolize the remote control or yell at me to put the toilet seat down. I went home, had a mild temper tantrum cursing the humidity in my bedroom. Then I emptied my backpack and rode my bike to Key Food for some groceries. I gathered up my groceries and went to get in a check out line. There was a man sipping a Dunkin’ Donuts iced coffee who was kind of-sort of in line in front of me. He didn’t have any groceries. The line moved up and as it did so his girlfriend (I’m guessing) rolled up with a cart load of groceries that would have lasted through a nuclear winter. Without pause she pushed the cart in front of me and into the line. I stood back and thought…”Hmm well, I guess I’m behind you.” Then the girlfriend turned around and went back out into the market to get some more stuff. She returned a couple minutes later with some pita bread, turned around and went back into another aisle for something else. She came back with some canned tuna. Hopefully this was the end of these hi-jinx. Nope. She then produced a shopping list and started looking it over. I stood there with my face locked into a grimace of incredulous annoyance. Before she could go and squeeze the Charmin or be a choosy mother and choose Jiff I asked, “Excuse me, are you in line or are you shopping?” The boyfriend looked embarrassed, as well he should have as I had totally busted them on a supermarket etiquette felony. The woman made a face. “Are-You-Shop-Ping-OR-Are-You-In-Line?” I repeated? exaggerating and enunciating every syllable obnoxiously. The girlfriend looked visibly upset. “Ex-CUSE me?” she said.


They “Key”, I guess is to have more patience than I can muster.

Whenever I have to repeat myself more than twice I lapse into mock sign language and speaking with a deaf person’s “accent” “Are Dew In Dine Or Are Dew Choppingg”? “What’s your problem?” asked the girl. The guy kept sipping on his now empty iced coffee. The wimpy silent type. “Well” I began. “I have two problems where you’re concerned.” “One” I continued “Is that you are shopping while your partner here holds a space in line, and that space happens to be in front of me…and Two: I have to share a neighborhood, a city and a planet with two obviously selfish and oblivious people…what’s worse is that you probably drive and vote, which frankly terrifies me. It is the cumulative effect of micro annoyances from people like you that cause shooting sprees.” She began to reply, but I held my hand up, wished them a good day and moved onto the self check out. There was one woman in front of me in self check out. It wasn’t until she got the total of her purchase that she began riffling through her purse for her wallet and then through her wallet obviously having an inner debate whether to use cash or credit cards. Women do this crap all the time and it drives me bat shit. They do it at the bar where I work too. They are in such a hurry to have their drinks made and then act surprised when you tell them how much they cost and go digging through the bottomless recesses of a leather Gucci or Chanel knock off. Be a man ladies. Have a twenty out in your hand. This is why you aren’t allowed to serve in combat and make less money than men.

I pressed “Spanish” on the self check out because I like to pretend I am bilingual. I scanned my merchandise “El peso no es correcto” I picked up my provolone cheese and re-slammed it back into the bag. “El peso no es correcto” Fucking thing. They need to add a kicking feature to these self check out lines so that we can reset them and alleviate stress at the same time. All machines the public uses regularly should have a kicking or punching feature built in. Computers should restart with a good solid punch, and ATMs should be smacked once for every $20 you’re trying to take out. It would alleviate a great deal of stress.

I headed back home after purchasing an iced coffee for myself and rode carefully on my bike while smoking and sipping coffee.

I got home and had another mild temper tantrum over the heat and humidity.


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