People and Things That Suck

Posted: December 13, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in General, Me & Mine, Observations
Tags: , , , , , ,

Making a list? Me too.

My faithful friend and editor Gow prodded me tonight with a “You haven’t posted anything in a week” statement.  Though I haven’t “posted” anything, I did write a lengthy state of the union piece entitled “Good Days Aren’t Funny.”  Essentially I was writing of how when things are going reasonably well, life isn’t so funny….at least not how I write.  It is fascinating (and slightly depressing to me) that the few folks who are kind enough to read my writing with any regularity generally seem to enjoy my angry, griping, pissy, Negative Nancy, symphonies of humorous complaint.
It’s Sunday night and I had a crappy day at work. The circumstances behind the crappiness are a rather involved work dramedy that would put the average reader to sleep before I go to the “meat” of the issues, so I will spare my readers that. I’m home now, in my blue bathrobe, watching the History Channel which always has some program about Nazis on Sunday nights. I think the fact that tonight they are broadcasting a documentary called Recipes of the Third Reich, means that the History Channel has milked the Nazi Germany thing to death. I hit the mute button once they started talking about Magda Goebbels famous cinnamon scones and their role in the siege of Stalingrad.
In honor of my crappus maximus day, I thought I would write a list of people and things that suck and see if I can get some smiles and laughs from my handful of readers. I need more readers. The quality of my “fans” is tremendous…I couldn’t ask for better…It’s the quantity that leaves much to be desired. I have a long and proud history of these lists. Yes folks, I am such an enormously well adjusted person that I compile lists of people, places, things and social phenomena that annoy me. I’d like to think that the Buddha and Mother Theresa put together well thought out hate lists too. Now that would be the all time greatest bathroom read.  “People and Things That Suck: An Incomplete List”  by Mother Theresa. Surely something must have pissed her off.
I was shooting for 100 things and people.  What kind of miserable kvetch would I be if I couldn’t think of 100 people, places or things worth griping about?  I wish I was a happier and more positive person. I’ve even tried to be one. I just have a low stupidity threshold and sadly stupidity is seemingly never in short supply. I have tried to start a movement to segregate the stupid people. I wrote to my congresswoman, my senator, the president and Oprah…I fear all I have succeeded in doing is getting my name added to more lists and files in some scary Washington DC offices.
Anyone who has spent any time listening to or reading my vitriol will see some reoccurring themes and subjects. I’m sorry if it seems to be “more of the same”  but the text messaging behavior just gets worse, and people still can’t accurately count to twelve items.
Here we go kids, sit back, take your shoes off and make a snack….An Incomplete List of People and Things That Suck. 
  1. Oblivious text messagers
  2. Customer Service in America
  3. The Religious Right
  4. Christmas luxury car commercials (“Oh honey you shouldn’t have”)
  5. Poor gym etiquette (Wipe down the benches, don’t sit and text, throw the towels in the barrel, not next to it, and PLEASE refrain from hawking up massive lung cookies and spitting them in the water fountain I am about to drink from. Wrap the towel around your waist in the locker room, I don’t want to be up close and personal with your junk. I’m not sure if this is an issue with the ladies, as I always seem to picture something “frolicky” going on in their locker room right out of a scene from Carrie)
  6. People with no jobs, education, prospects, or intent having more and more children.
  7. Hipsters (Can’t you take your skinny jeaned asses elsewhere and be blandly ironic?)
  8. Drunk Drivers
  9. Those beauty pageants with the little girls (Toddlers and Tiaras)
  10. My landlord
  11. My second grade teacher who once sent a note home to my mother stating “Scott aint doing his work good”
  12. People who are too engaged in a banal cell phone conversation to actually acknowledge the people they are in the middle of a  transaction with. To the back of the line with you!!!
  13. Newt Gingrich (Even the name sounds like a serious douche-bag)
  14. Rex Ryan
  15. Credit card companies
  16. Barbers and Hairstylists who give a terrible haircut, don’t listen to what the customer wants and then charges you for the cut. I think these cuts, colors, wash and sets should be on a sliding scale depending on how well they did.
  17. Hair loss (Coupled with hair gain . My follicles seem to have left the big exciting city of the top of my head to quieter neighborhoods on my shoulders and ears.)
  18. People who urinate on toilet seats. (They always seem to cover the entire seat…are they striving for this?)
  19. Panhandlers who pretend they were in the military
  20. Mayor Michael Bloomberg and his twatwaffle girlfriend
  21. Racists of every color
  22. Al Sharpton
  23. Flimsy toilet paper
  24. People who hurt animals or children
  25. Those who vote for “folksy” politicians (Yeah they’re thick as a brick, but theys a straight shooter and I wanna have a beer with them. OK Forrest, hows about you have the beer and they stay out of elected office?)
  26. Ann Coulter (Disgusting Tom Petty doppelganger without the musical talent)
  27. Bono (Yeah we get it Mr Alturism…give it a rest huh? Other people manage to be socially aware and charitable without being a media whore about it)
  28. 3D movies…Enough already
  29. Sequels to crappy movies
  30. Sequels to sequels of crappy movies
  31. Rush Limbaugh
  32. Michael Moore (I like his political leanings, and Roger and Me was cute, but I am so sick of his patronizing “Gee, I wonder” interview style. He is too well fed to be an advocate for the poor.)
  33. Dick Cheney
  34. Dick Cheney (Such a scumball he got listed twice)
  35. and 35.5: Karl Rove
  36. Russell Brand (I have seen un-funny and his name is Russell Brand…Now someone tell him.)
  37. Jay Z (Fugly, marginally talented, unbelievably lucky “artist” who did that “In New York” song that I cannot go 3 hours without hearing
  38. People who let their cell phones ring in public and don’t answer or silence them
  39. The New York Post
  40. MTV (What does the “M” stand for now?  “Marketing”? “More and More Lame Reality TV’?  “MUTE please”)
  41. Dr’s Drew and Phil
  42. The Star Wars prequels
  43. People who wave their hands in front of their faces dramatically when I am smoking 50 feet away from them
  44. Yuppies
  45. CEOs and executives who took bonus money after being bailed out by the American taxpayers via the Chinese
  46. Gold Diggers
  47. The Tea Party
  48. Hillary Clinton (That cloying voice, those pants suits, her wishy washy populist politics…Take a stand Hilly, It wont hurt)
  49. Rudy Giuliani (AKA The Evil Lord CombOver; who turned NYC into a stale mall full of Disney, Starbucks and the GAP, who’s wife found out about their divorce via the newspaper and who has since acted like he held up the twin towers with one hand while directing traffic with the other, so that every New Yorker could escape the carnage on 9/11)
  50. Cops who pepper spray peaceful protestors
  51. Rupert Murdoch
  52. Fox News
  53. Subway track workers who get paid for an 8 hour day and work approximately 2
  54. Meter Maids (Lovely Rita aside, of course)
  55. Infomercials
  56. Reality TV “Stars”
  57. Donald Trump
  58. The Westboro Baptist Church (Why can’t they be a suicide cult?)
  59. Movie Popcorn “Butter” (Golden Flavored Topping….um  Gold is a color, not a flavor)
  60. Waiting rooms
  61. The View
  62. 7-Eleven Hot Dogs
  63. Paris Hilton
  64. Zits, ingrown hairs, warts and other unattractive, useless bodily eruptions and growths
  65. The annoying lady at the post office who goes through the entire list of services and options despite my saying over and over and over…”just send my package the cheapest way possible please…”
  66. The annoying lady at Dunkin Donuts who after 7 years still cannot get my coffee order right
  67. Hill Street Blues not being in syndication
  68. Bottom feeding paparazzi
  69. The Geico cave man and the guys singing “Viva Viagra” commericals
  70. Potholes
  71. Hugh Hefner (Hef…it got lame and gross…really gross a while back and I’m guessing no one has told you)
  72. Parents who blame Cookie Monster for childhood obesity
  73. Low sodium food (It’s not bad, it just needs salt)
  74. Clogged drains
  75. SNL  (I wish you were funny like before…, so very, very much)
  76. Black Friday
  77. The complete and utter lack of an original idea in most music, theater, film and art today
  78. Marginally talented movie stars that bombard cinemas with entirely too much of their “product” (Yes, you Ben Stiller…maybe think about keeping it to under 15 not-so-funny comedies a year?  You too Drew Barrymore, Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn)
  79. Unsatisfying bowel movements (A crude subject yes, but I like to leave the bathroom with a spring in my step, not feeling betrayed)
  80. Commercials prior to movies or youtube clips and songs
  81. Naomi Campbell
  82. Simon Cowell (When did it become entertaining to watch an arrogant prick dash the hopes of young aspiring singers by being as rude as possible?  I have heard some say “He tells it like it is”  Yeah?  Well it is possible to do so without being a smug asshole…In fact, sometimes it’s easier)
  83. Rob Zombie Movies
  84. Men who make unwanted commentary to women in public
  85. Going to the dentist
  86. Insurance companies (Essentially thieving, bureaucratic middlemen)
  87. The Ever-So-Annoying-Celebrity-Couple-Name-Meld (Brangelina, TomKat, MePuke)
  88. John Boehner (The tannest man in America. Keeping country clubs and golf courses safe for democracy.)
  89. Bike Messengers who send pedestrians running for their life because they feel traffic lights don’t  apply to their precious spandex shorted asses.
  90. My extreme difficulty in pronouncing the word “anonymity”
  91. James Lipton  (Pretentious hack, combating the stench of his own failed acting career by teaching and asking successful actors and actresses the same insipid questions over and over.)
  92. Algebra (Why is it impossible for something allegedly so vitally important to have examples of practical applications? OK  I’m griping because I suck at it and it makes me feel stupid)
  93. Hostess (The company that brings us “Twinkies” felt the need to change the name of their corporate death pastry from “Ding Dongs” to “King Dons”  It happened almost 30 years ago and I have never forgiven them.)
  94. Weak drinks
  95. Cheap people
  96. Grocery store lines (Especially the people in front of me)
  97. Bureaucracy
  98. The sociopathic greed and complete lack of awareness of many of the uber wealthy
  99. AXE Bodyspray commercials. (I have marinated in every variety/flavor of this product and women still throw things at me when I attempt to speak to them in bars and coffee shops)
  100. Multi million dollar films that never should have been made (Confessions of a Shopaholic comes to mind.)
***Editors note; image possibilities too . . . endless. . . brain. . . cramping . . . can’t . . . take . . . it . . . gahhh

No image for you! You come back . . . next post!

  1. Great list and a special high five for #23!!!! The last thing I want to do at a restaurant is have my finger go right through the toilet paper!!!! Double high five for #84.

  2. Princess says:

    I about fell off My royal ass “My extreme difficulty in pronouncing the word “anonymity”” ~ We struggle with that word often.

  3. Tallkronan says:

    YOu are NOT on my most-annoying-list.


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