Posted: December 13, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in General, Me & Mine, Observations
Tags: , , , , ,

Sunshine over Fire Island

I have a small scrapbook of newspaper or magazine articles and advertisements. When I am at a loss for inspiration I sometimes pull out the book and the creative juices begin to flow.  After hanging up with Crazy Lady (My moms) I signed in to my AOL and one of the headlines cracked me up.  AOL recently purchased The Huffington Post, essentially transforming it into AOL News. I like the Huff Post, but since their marriage to AOL I often take issue with their headlines which are bordering on bait and switch sensationalism. The headline is exciting and interesting, and the story is a journalistic fart.
Not today. Today’s head line and the photographs going along with the article were brilliant.
Hulk Hogan Sues Ex Wife For Allegations That He Is Gay (and here’s the best part…) Claims Affair With ‘Brutus Beefcake’ The photo at the top of the article was of Hulk Hogan flexing his muscles during an interview that addresses the allegations…that too looked promising. Sadly, the Hulkster didn’t have a ‘roid rage flip out during the interview. He was quite reserved and seemed a little sad that these types of rumors had to exacerbate an already ugly divorce. He also (bravely in my opinion) took a stand that is seldom seen, even with gay celebs prior to their coming out. He went on to say that a couple of his close friends in the industry are gay and that he is supportive of them and their lifestyle and that if he were gay…people would know it. He would have come out and said it. Still, Hulkster…that moustache? The feather boas?

Who woulda thunk it?

The most brilliant part of the story was the photographs, and the mention of Brutus Beefcake was the comedic cherry on the top. That is a gay porn star stage name if ever there was one.  Was “Dick LeRod” taken already Brutus?  I wouldn’t tell any of the wrestling fans this, but WWF is decidedly the gayest “sport” this side of figure skating. Big guys in tight, colorful and color coordinated spandex and leather outfits, with waxed and tanned bodies, and names like “Macho Man”,  “George The Animal Steel”, “Andre The Giant” and “Big John Stud”?  G-A-A-Y-E-E-E!!!!!
WWF has added Amazonian beauties into the wrestling game. I think it’s about time they dropped in a wrestling bad guy who is out, here, queer, and fabulous, get used to it! There is already a fellow named “Triple H” (Hard Hung Harry?) All of the characters of The Village People have been done in wrestling: The Indian, The Cop, The Soldier and lots of leather guys. All except the construction worker, and I have no doubt that Vince McMahon is working on that. Tight daisy duke shorts, a sleeveless flannel shirt, and a hard hat. They could call him “Bruthe Almighty”.
It’s time America.  If we really want to piss of the less than friendly fundamentalist Muslim nations of the world, we need gay (or gay-er ) wrestlers on PPV and USO tours.
Ladies and Gentlemen, for the heavyweight WWF championship…a steel cage-breakfast nook death match…In this corner we have The Undertaker and Triple H, and the challengers Bruthe Almighty and Long Leather Larry….”
I’ve always liked the character or caricatures in pro wrestling. It doesn’t take much to come up with some good gay wrestler monikers. Darth Crisco, The Lavender Assassin, Trevor The Tranny. You get the idea.  Pro wrestling also likes to slip in some soap opera drama behind the grudge matches. Brutus Beefcake used to shave  peoples heads, and recently wrestlers sleep with other wrestlers wives and girlfriends before admitting the cuckoldry to gasping audiences in the deep south. Our southern brothers and sisters can be heard between sips of cheap beer. “He slept with his woman? Damn Cletus..It’s on now!!!
All the wrestlers have their “entrance music”. Back in the 80s before Cyndi Lauper got her hands on the sport, the Junkyard Dog used to enter and leave the ring to Another One Bites The Dust by Queen (Hellloooooo?  GAAAAYYYY!) JYD also had “Thump” written across the ass of his tight spandex pants. Even figure skaters and Clay Aiken aren’t that out.  One of JYD’s arch enemies was famed bad guy, future governor and conspiracy theorist, Jesse “The Body” Ventura.  During the smack talk build up to the matches JYD started calling Jesse “Half Body”. He would get the audiences to chant “Half-Body-Half-Body” at Jesse Ventura who would, in turn have an over the top hissy fit straight out of a fruity musical. That’s how gay guys fight. They generally aren’t any less tough than their straight guy counter parts. But straight guys call those they are fighting or about to fight with “Faggot” or try to emulate Chuck Norris or Vinnie Jones tough guy threats. Gay guys call each other ugly, fat and point out physical shortcomings.
There are plenty of great disco classics for the gay wrestlers to enter the ring to. I Will Survive comes to mind. I can just picture Wrestlemania 20, or whatever number they are up to now at Madison Square Garden. The lights go low…over the speakers comes…”First I was afraid…I was petrified”. The blue collar, mostly male audience begins to boo as “Tony Tiara” struts down the aisle to the ring wearing a neon pink unitard and a matching fur cape, blowing kisses to the audience.
There are plenty of pro-wrestling moves and holds. There is the “Pile driver” where an opponents head is slammed vertically into the ring, There is the “Figure Four Leg Lock” which I know all too well from a neighborhood bully; “Booger Emerson” who would put me in this hold when I was unable to avoid him walking home from school in 5th grade. If we could introduce some homosexuals into WWF we’d have such fun new moves and holds. They’d have the “Tossed Salad” of course, and maybe the “Judy Garland” where the wrestler would stand over a vanquished foe and click their heels together three times with the opponents head between their patent leather red boots.
The possibilities are endless. WWF has been flirting with homoerotica for decades now. It’s time to take the plunge.
  1. I’d love to see The Undertaker single handedly take on the gay wrestlers Private Stroker and Captain Cockmuncher. I bet they’d give him a spanking he’d never forget.

    This article was, literally, laughing my ass off out loud (LMAOOL) funny!! Thanks!


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