Saturday Night

Posted: December 4, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in General, Me & Mine
Tags: ,
“Another Saturday night and I aint got nobody…”  Sam Cooke
 
“Saturday Night’s Alright…” Elton John
 
Saturday was/is my day off. My boss called me this afternoon asking me to come in for a few hours as a “party of 60” was booked. I showered, shaved and made myself pretty. As it turns out the “Party of 60” ended up being a “Party of 12”. Someone wasn’t paying attention during Sesame Street. My boss made me hang around for a couple of hours anyway in hopes that the remaining 48 would show up, which of course they didn’t.  Night off…ruined.
 
9:45: Leave work, hop on my bike. “Grey Leader standing by…”
 
9:50:  Arrive at Key Food. Get my shop on.
 
10:00: Leave Key Food, hop back on my bike.  “Grey Leader standing by…”
 
10:10: Arrive home.  Cheech has been in the trash and has thrown bits of chicken all over the kitchen and living room.  Chong is in his box with his “I didn’t do it” expression.  I inform Cheech of my intention to sell or give her to a local Indian restaurant.  Cheech looks bored.  Chong looks hopeful.
 
10:12: Make a sandwich while singing “I touch myself” by the Divinyls.  Cheech looks bored.  Chong looks embarrassed and leaves the kitchen for the peace and quiet of his sandbox.  I take my sandwich to my room spilling the contents of it onto my floor.  Cheech follows, but I pick up the scraps too fast…5 second rule.
 
10:15:  Check email.  “Add 3 inches ot my penis in just one week”  Delete.   Bold Progressives ” Stop the Karl Rove Hate Machine” Delete  Gow “Playlist” which I watch/listen to.  The rules of our playlists dictate that we must listen to each song for at least 60 seconds. The Sex Pistols, The Cramps, Queen…I have and like all of this music.  “Add 5 inches to my penis” hmmmm,   Saved.
 
10:20: Chong joins me and begins licking the cleanest part of his body (genitals),  After I comment upon his crotch grooming he looks at me and smiles “Jealous?”  Yes, my friend, I suppose I am.   Chong passes out.
 
10:23:  Call Rachel:  She is ill.  Wish I could bring her some Thai Chicken soup.
 
10:25:  Watch the news.  It is a very scary world outside.  Check that my front door is locked.
 
11:01:   Drop the kids off at the pool.  While on the throne I read Hells Angels by Hunter S. Thompson.
 
11:23: Steve Buschemi is hosting Saturday Night Live this evening.  Looks promising.
 
11:26:  Chong wakes up to clean his genitals again.  Call Gow. No answer… leave obnoxious message.
 
11:28: Google…Images…Bea Arthur….man, she was a lot of woman.   Listen to her number in the Star Wars Christmas Special.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzXKySxPFCI
 
11:46: During the painfully unfunny reccurring “The Miley Cyrus Show” sketch on SNL, I look up Achy Breaky Heart on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byQIPdHMpjc and line dance by myself.  Chong looks up from his genital cleaning, looks visibly upset and leaves to go back to his chamber of isolation/ sandbox
 
11:51:  Check out IMDB and see how many movies Luis Guzman has been in. Wow, he lives in Vermont. He must have tripled the Puerto Rican population of the state.
 
11:59: Christmas commecials.  Are there really that many people buying cars as Christmas gifts?
 
12:01:  Chong pokes his head in to make sure the line dancing is over.  Hops back on my bed and lies down behind me.  He likes Steve Buscemi too.
 
12:07: Look up Chewbacca on wikipedia.  I wonder if the name comes from Chewing Tobacco.
 
12:30:  I look at WordPress.com to see how many people have checked out my writing today. 10 today…that’s a good day.
 
12:34: Make a wish ( for money)  I have many occasions in which I allow myself to make wishes.  Whenever I see a midget or little person, whenever I see a person with Downs Syndrome and whenever I catch a digital clock with numbers in succession.  1:23,  2:34,  12:34,  5:43, etc.  I almost always wish  for money.  I can’t tell if this works. Maybe I need to wish for a specific and large amount.
 
12:35:  Post an ad for my freelance catering services on Craigslist. Consider for a moment posting an ad as an escort for wealthy older women.  “Middle aged, community college educated well groomed, slightly overweight, thinning hair male escort available for all occasions.  High school reunion, “I married a millionaire so suck it class of 79” role playing a specialty.
 
12:37:  Call Gow again.  No answer.  Leave another obnoxious message.  Chong wakes up.  He seems in tune/aware to Gow being on the phone.
 
12:41:  Gow calls. She has been drinking. She is driving home. I tell her I am decidedly not impressed.
 
1:13:  Gow calls, She is home now. I read this piece to her. Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask  is on HBO. Yay!!!
 
1:15: Email my mother and step mother informing them that I ate cookies for dinner and am now sitting too close to the television where it can perfectly ‘rot my brain’
 
1:18:  Cheech has been too quiet for too long.  Check on her.  She is eating my Nerf crossbow arrows/bolt
 
1:20:  Finished with this piece. Send to Gow for editing & posting.
Comments
  1. I wish Gow would post these obnoxious messages you leave. Are they as hilarious as your writing?

  2. Gow says:

    Maybe some day I’ll figure out how to do that. They can be quite hysterical.
    (Take that however you choose.) gigglesnort

  3. Tallkronan says:

    Lovely piece. Wouldn’t it be a perfect fit for the back of a milk carton?
    It would in Sweden!

  4. Hilarious! I can see your evening playing out in my head (and I’m loving the cat attitude!)

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