Archive for December, 2011


Posted: December 13, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in General, Me & Mine, Observations
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Sunshine over Fire Island

I have a small scrapbook of newspaper or magazine articles and advertisements. When I am at a loss for inspiration I sometimes pull out the book and the creative juices begin to flow.  After hanging up with Crazy Lady (My moms) I signed in to my AOL and one of the headlines cracked me up.  AOL recently purchased The Huffington Post, essentially transforming it into AOL News. I like the Huff Post, but since their marriage to AOL I often take issue with their headlines which are bordering on bait and switch sensationalism. The headline is exciting and interesting, and the story is a journalistic fart.
Not today. Today’s head line and the photographs going along with the article were brilliant.
Hulk Hogan Sues Ex Wife For Allegations That He Is Gay (and here’s the best part…) Claims Affair With ‘Brutus Beefcake’ The photo at the top of the article was of Hulk Hogan flexing his muscles during an interview that addresses the allegations…that too looked promising. Sadly, the Hulkster didn’t have a ‘roid rage flip out during the interview. He was quite reserved and seemed a little sad that these types of rumors had to exacerbate an already ugly divorce. He also (bravely in my opinion) took a stand that is seldom seen, even with gay celebs prior to their coming out. He went on to say that a couple of his close friends in the industry are gay and that he is supportive of them and their lifestyle and that if he were gay…people would know it. He would have come out and said it. Still, Hulkster…that moustache? The feather boas?

Who woulda thunk it?

The most brilliant part of the story was the photographs, and the mention of Brutus Beefcake was the comedic cherry on the top. That is a gay porn star stage name if ever there was one.  Was “Dick LeRod” taken already Brutus?  I wouldn’t tell any of the wrestling fans this, but WWF is decidedly the gayest “sport” this side of figure skating. Big guys in tight, colorful and color coordinated spandex and leather outfits, with waxed and tanned bodies, and names like “Macho Man”,  “George The Animal Steel”, “Andre The Giant” and “Big John Stud”?  G-A-A-Y-E-E-E!!!!!
WWF has added Amazonian beauties into the wrestling game. I think it’s about time they dropped in a wrestling bad guy who is out, here, queer, and fabulous, get used to it! There is already a fellow named “Triple H” (Hard Hung Harry?) All of the characters of The Village People have been done in wrestling: The Indian, The Cop, The Soldier and lots of leather guys. All except the construction worker, and I have no doubt that Vince McMahon is working on that. Tight daisy duke shorts, a sleeveless flannel shirt, and a hard hat. They could call him “Bruthe Almighty”.
It’s time America.  If we really want to piss of the less than friendly fundamentalist Muslim nations of the world, we need gay (or gay-er ) wrestlers on PPV and USO tours.
Ladies and Gentlemen, for the heavyweight WWF championship…a steel cage-breakfast nook death match…In this corner we have The Undertaker and Triple H, and the challengers Bruthe Almighty and Long Leather Larry….”
I’ve always liked the character or caricatures in pro wrestling. It doesn’t take much to come up with some good gay wrestler monikers. Darth Crisco, The Lavender Assassin, Trevor The Tranny. You get the idea.  Pro wrestling also likes to slip in some soap opera drama behind the grudge matches. Brutus Beefcake used to shave  peoples heads, and recently wrestlers sleep with other wrestlers wives and girlfriends before admitting the cuckoldry to gasping audiences in the deep south. Our southern brothers and sisters can be heard between sips of cheap beer. “He slept with his woman? Damn Cletus..It’s on now!!!
All the wrestlers have their “entrance music”. Back in the 80s before Cyndi Lauper got her hands on the sport, the Junkyard Dog used to enter and leave the ring to Another One Bites The Dust by Queen (Hellloooooo?  GAAAAYYYY!) JYD also had “Thump” written across the ass of his tight spandex pants. Even figure skaters and Clay Aiken aren’t that out.  One of JYD’s arch enemies was famed bad guy, future governor and conspiracy theorist, Jesse “The Body” Ventura.  During the smack talk build up to the matches JYD started calling Jesse “Half Body”. He would get the audiences to chant “Half-Body-Half-Body” at Jesse Ventura who would, in turn have an over the top hissy fit straight out of a fruity musical. That’s how gay guys fight. They generally aren’t any less tough than their straight guy counter parts. But straight guys call those they are fighting or about to fight with “Faggot” or try to emulate Chuck Norris or Vinnie Jones tough guy threats. Gay guys call each other ugly, fat and point out physical shortcomings.
There are plenty of great disco classics for the gay wrestlers to enter the ring to. I Will Survive comes to mind. I can just picture Wrestlemania 20, or whatever number they are up to now at Madison Square Garden. The lights go low…over the speakers comes…”First I was afraid…I was petrified”. The blue collar, mostly male audience begins to boo as “Tony Tiara” struts down the aisle to the ring wearing a neon pink unitard and a matching fur cape, blowing kisses to the audience.
There are plenty of pro-wrestling moves and holds. There is the “Pile driver” where an opponents head is slammed vertically into the ring, There is the “Figure Four Leg Lock” which I know all too well from a neighborhood bully; “Booger Emerson” who would put me in this hold when I was unable to avoid him walking home from school in 5th grade. If we could introduce some homosexuals into WWF we’d have such fun new moves and holds. They’d have the “Tossed Salad” of course, and maybe the “Judy Garland” where the wrestler would stand over a vanquished foe and click their heels together three times with the opponents head between their patent leather red boots.
The possibilities are endless. WWF has been flirting with homoerotica for decades now. It’s time to take the plunge.

People and Things That Suck

Posted: December 13, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in General, Me & Mine, Observations
Tags: , , , , , ,

Making a list? Me too.

My faithful friend and editor Gow prodded me tonight with a “You haven’t posted anything in a week” statement.  Though I haven’t “posted” anything, I did write a lengthy state of the union piece entitled “Good Days Aren’t Funny.”  Essentially I was writing of how when things are going reasonably well, life isn’t so funny….at least not how I write.  It is fascinating (and slightly depressing to me) that the few folks who are kind enough to read my writing with any regularity generally seem to enjoy my angry, griping, pissy, Negative Nancy, symphonies of humorous complaint.
It’s Sunday night and I had a crappy day at work. The circumstances behind the crappiness are a rather involved work dramedy that would put the average reader to sleep before I go to the “meat” of the issues, so I will spare my readers that. I’m home now, in my blue bathrobe, watching the History Channel which always has some program about Nazis on Sunday nights. I think the fact that tonight they are broadcasting a documentary called Recipes of the Third Reich, means that the History Channel has milked the Nazi Germany thing to death. I hit the mute button once they started talking about Magda Goebbels famous cinnamon scones and their role in the siege of Stalingrad.
In honor of my crappus maximus day, I thought I would write a list of people and things that suck and see if I can get some smiles and laughs from my handful of readers. I need more readers. The quality of my “fans” is tremendous…I couldn’t ask for better…It’s the quantity that leaves much to be desired. I have a long and proud history of these lists. Yes folks, I am such an enormously well adjusted person that I compile lists of people, places, things and social phenomena that annoy me. I’d like to think that the Buddha and Mother Theresa put together well thought out hate lists too. Now that would be the all time greatest bathroom read.  “People and Things That Suck: An Incomplete List”  by Mother Theresa. Surely something must have pissed her off.
I was shooting for 100 things and people.  What kind of miserable kvetch would I be if I couldn’t think of 100 people, places or things worth griping about?  I wish I was a happier and more positive person. I’ve even tried to be one. I just have a low stupidity threshold and sadly stupidity is seemingly never in short supply. I have tried to start a movement to segregate the stupid people. I wrote to my congresswoman, my senator, the president and Oprah…I fear all I have succeeded in doing is getting my name added to more lists and files in some scary Washington DC offices.
Anyone who has spent any time listening to or reading my vitriol will see some reoccurring themes and subjects. I’m sorry if it seems to be “more of the same”  but the text messaging behavior just gets worse, and people still can’t accurately count to twelve items.
Here we go kids, sit back, take your shoes off and make a snack….An Incomplete List of People and Things That Suck. 
  1. Oblivious text messagers
  2. Customer Service in America
  3. The Religious Right
  4. Christmas luxury car commercials (“Oh honey you shouldn’t have”)
  5. Poor gym etiquette (Wipe down the benches, don’t sit and text, throw the towels in the barrel, not next to it, and PLEASE refrain from hawking up massive lung cookies and spitting them in the water fountain I am about to drink from. Wrap the towel around your waist in the locker room, I don’t want to be up close and personal with your junk. I’m not sure if this is an issue with the ladies, as I always seem to picture something “frolicky” going on in their locker room right out of a scene from Carrie)
  6. People with no jobs, education, prospects, or intent having more and more children.
  7. Hipsters (Can’t you take your skinny jeaned asses elsewhere and be blandly ironic?)
  8. Drunk Drivers
  9. Those beauty pageants with the little girls (Toddlers and Tiaras)
  10. My landlord
  11. My second grade teacher who once sent a note home to my mother stating “Scott aint doing his work good”
  12. People who are too engaged in a banal cell phone conversation to actually acknowledge the people they are in the middle of a  transaction with. To the back of the line with you!!!
  13. Newt Gingrich (Even the name sounds like a serious douche-bag)
  14. Rex Ryan
  15. Credit card companies
  16. Barbers and Hairstylists who give a terrible haircut, don’t listen to what the customer wants and then charges you for the cut. I think these cuts, colors, wash and sets should be on a sliding scale depending on how well they did.
  17. Hair loss (Coupled with hair gain . My follicles seem to have left the big exciting city of the top of my head to quieter neighborhoods on my shoulders and ears.)
  18. People who urinate on toilet seats. (They always seem to cover the entire seat…are they striving for this?)
  19. Panhandlers who pretend they were in the military
  20. Mayor Michael Bloomberg and his twatwaffle girlfriend
  21. Racists of every color
  22. Al Sharpton
  23. Flimsy toilet paper
  24. People who hurt animals or children
  25. Those who vote for “folksy” politicians (Yeah they’re thick as a brick, but theys a straight shooter and I wanna have a beer with them. OK Forrest, hows about you have the beer and they stay out of elected office?)
  26. Ann Coulter (Disgusting Tom Petty doppelganger without the musical talent)
  27. Bono (Yeah we get it Mr Alturism…give it a rest huh? Other people manage to be socially aware and charitable without being a media whore about it)
  28. 3D movies…Enough already
  29. Sequels to crappy movies
  30. Sequels to sequels of crappy movies
  31. Rush Limbaugh
  32. Michael Moore (I like his political leanings, and Roger and Me was cute, but I am so sick of his patronizing “Gee, I wonder” interview style. He is too well fed to be an advocate for the poor.)
  33. Dick Cheney
  34. Dick Cheney (Such a scumball he got listed twice)
  35. and 35.5: Karl Rove
  36. Russell Brand (I have seen un-funny and his name is Russell Brand…Now someone tell him.)
  37. Jay Z (Fugly, marginally talented, unbelievably lucky “artist” who did that “In New York” song that I cannot go 3 hours without hearing
  38. People who let their cell phones ring in public and don’t answer or silence them
  39. The New York Post
  40. MTV (What does the “M” stand for now?  “Marketing”? “More and More Lame Reality TV’?  “MUTE please”)
  41. Dr’s Drew and Phil
  42. The Star Wars prequels
  43. People who wave their hands in front of their faces dramatically when I am smoking 50 feet away from them
  44. Yuppies
  45. CEOs and executives who took bonus money after being bailed out by the American taxpayers via the Chinese
  46. Gold Diggers
  47. The Tea Party
  48. Hillary Clinton (That cloying voice, those pants suits, her wishy washy populist politics…Take a stand Hilly, It wont hurt)
  49. Rudy Giuliani (AKA The Evil Lord CombOver; who turned NYC into a stale mall full of Disney, Starbucks and the GAP, who’s wife found out about their divorce via the newspaper and who has since acted like he held up the twin towers with one hand while directing traffic with the other, so that every New Yorker could escape the carnage on 9/11)
  50. Cops who pepper spray peaceful protestors
  51. Rupert Murdoch
  52. Fox News
  53. Subway track workers who get paid for an 8 hour day and work approximately 2
  54. Meter Maids (Lovely Rita aside, of course)
  55. Infomercials
  56. Reality TV “Stars”
  57. Donald Trump
  58. The Westboro Baptist Church (Why can’t they be a suicide cult?)
  59. Movie Popcorn “Butter” (Golden Flavored Topping….um  Gold is a color, not a flavor)
  60. Waiting rooms
  61. The View
  62. 7-Eleven Hot Dogs
  63. Paris Hilton
  64. Zits, ingrown hairs, warts and other unattractive, useless bodily eruptions and growths
  65. The annoying lady at the post office who goes through the entire list of services and options despite my saying over and over and over…”just send my package the cheapest way possible please…”
  66. The annoying lady at Dunkin Donuts who after 7 years still cannot get my coffee order right
  67. Hill Street Blues not being in syndication
  68. Bottom feeding paparazzi
  69. The Geico cave man and the guys singing “Viva Viagra” commericals
  70. Potholes
  71. Hugh Hefner (Hef…it got lame and gross…really gross a while back and I’m guessing no one has told you)
  72. Parents who blame Cookie Monster for childhood obesity
  73. Low sodium food (It’s not bad, it just needs salt)
  74. Clogged drains
  75. SNL  (I wish you were funny like before…, so very, very much)
  76. Black Friday
  77. The complete and utter lack of an original idea in most music, theater, film and art today
  78. Marginally talented movie stars that bombard cinemas with entirely too much of their “product” (Yes, you Ben Stiller…maybe think about keeping it to under 15 not-so-funny comedies a year?  You too Drew Barrymore, Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn)
  79. Unsatisfying bowel movements (A crude subject yes, but I like to leave the bathroom with a spring in my step, not feeling betrayed)
  80. Commercials prior to movies or youtube clips and songs
  81. Naomi Campbell
  82. Simon Cowell (When did it become entertaining to watch an arrogant prick dash the hopes of young aspiring singers by being as rude as possible?  I have heard some say “He tells it like it is”  Yeah?  Well it is possible to do so without being a smug asshole…In fact, sometimes it’s easier)
  83. Rob Zombie Movies
  84. Men who make unwanted commentary to women in public
  85. Going to the dentist
  86. Insurance companies (Essentially thieving, bureaucratic middlemen)
  87. The Ever-So-Annoying-Celebrity-Couple-Name-Meld (Brangelina, TomKat, MePuke)
  88. John Boehner (The tannest man in America. Keeping country clubs and golf courses safe for democracy.)
  89. Bike Messengers who send pedestrians running for their life because they feel traffic lights don’t  apply to their precious spandex shorted asses.
  90. My extreme difficulty in pronouncing the word “anonymity”
  91. James Lipton  (Pretentious hack, combating the stench of his own failed acting career by teaching and asking successful actors and actresses the same insipid questions over and over.)
  92. Algebra (Why is it impossible for something allegedly so vitally important to have examples of practical applications? OK  I’m griping because I suck at it and it makes me feel stupid)
  93. Hostess (The company that brings us “Twinkies” felt the need to change the name of their corporate death pastry from “Ding Dongs” to “King Dons”  It happened almost 30 years ago and I have never forgiven them.)
  94. Weak drinks
  95. Cheap people
  96. Grocery store lines (Especially the people in front of me)
  97. Bureaucracy
  98. The sociopathic greed and complete lack of awareness of many of the uber wealthy
  99. AXE Bodyspray commercials. (I have marinated in every variety/flavor of this product and women still throw things at me when I attempt to speak to them in bars and coffee shops)
  100. Multi million dollar films that never should have been made (Confessions of a Shopaholic comes to mind.)
***Editors note; image possibilities too . . . endless. . . brain. . . cramping . . . can’t . . . take . . . it . . . gahhh

No image for you! You come back . . . next post!


Saturday Night

Posted: December 4, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in General, Me & Mine
Tags: ,
“Another Saturday night and I aint got nobody…”  Sam Cooke
“Saturday Night’s Alright…” Elton John
Saturday was/is my day off. My boss called me this afternoon asking me to come in for a few hours as a “party of 60” was booked. I showered, shaved and made myself pretty. As it turns out the “Party of 60” ended up being a “Party of 12”. Someone wasn’t paying attention during Sesame Street. My boss made me hang around for a couple of hours anyway in hopes that the remaining 48 would show up, which of course they didn’t.  Night off…ruined.
9:45: Leave work, hop on my bike. “Grey Leader standing by…”
9:50:  Arrive at Key Food. Get my shop on.
10:00: Leave Key Food, hop back on my bike.  “Grey Leader standing by…”
10:10: Arrive home.  Cheech has been in the trash and has thrown bits of chicken all over the kitchen and living room.  Chong is in his box with his “I didn’t do it” expression.  I inform Cheech of my intention to sell or give her to a local Indian restaurant.  Cheech looks bored.  Chong looks hopeful.
10:12: Make a sandwich while singing “I touch myself” by the Divinyls.  Cheech looks bored.  Chong looks embarrassed and leaves the kitchen for the peace and quiet of his sandbox.  I take my sandwich to my room spilling the contents of it onto my floor.  Cheech follows, but I pick up the scraps too fast…5 second rule.
10:15:  Check email.  “Add 3 inches ot my penis in just one week”  Delete.   Bold Progressives ” Stop the Karl Rove Hate Machine” Delete  Gow “Playlist” which I watch/listen to.  The rules of our playlists dictate that we must listen to each song for at least 60 seconds. The Sex Pistols, The Cramps, Queen…I have and like all of this music.  “Add 5 inches to my penis” hmmmm,   Saved.
10:20: Chong joins me and begins licking the cleanest part of his body (genitals),  After I comment upon his crotch grooming he looks at me and smiles “Jealous?”  Yes, my friend, I suppose I am.   Chong passes out.
10:23:  Call Rachel:  She is ill.  Wish I could bring her some Thai Chicken soup.
10:25:  Watch the news.  It is a very scary world outside.  Check that my front door is locked.
11:01:   Drop the kids off at the pool.  While on the throne I read Hells Angels by Hunter S. Thompson.
11:23: Steve Buschemi is hosting Saturday Night Live this evening.  Looks promising.
11:26:  Chong wakes up to clean his genitals again.  Call Gow. No answer… leave obnoxious message.
11:28: Google…Images…Bea Arthur….man, she was a lot of woman.   Listen to her number in the Star Wars Christmas Special.
11:46: During the painfully unfunny reccurring “The Miley Cyrus Show” sketch on SNL, I look up Achy Breaky Heart on YouTube and line dance by myself.  Chong looks up from his genital cleaning, looks visibly upset and leaves to go back to his chamber of isolation/ sandbox
11:51:  Check out IMDB and see how many movies Luis Guzman has been in. Wow, he lives in Vermont. He must have tripled the Puerto Rican population of the state.
11:59: Christmas commecials.  Are there really that many people buying cars as Christmas gifts?
12:01:  Chong pokes his head in to make sure the line dancing is over.  Hops back on my bed and lies down behind me.  He likes Steve Buscemi too.
12:07: Look up Chewbacca on wikipedia.  I wonder if the name comes from Chewing Tobacco.
12:30:  I look at to see how many people have checked out my writing today. 10 today…that’s a good day.
12:34: Make a wish ( for money)  I have many occasions in which I allow myself to make wishes.  Whenever I see a midget or little person, whenever I see a person with Downs Syndrome and whenever I catch a digital clock with numbers in succession.  1:23,  2:34,  12:34,  5:43, etc.  I almost always wish  for money.  I can’t tell if this works. Maybe I need to wish for a specific and large amount.
12:35:  Post an ad for my freelance catering services on Craigslist. Consider for a moment posting an ad as an escort for wealthy older women.  “Middle aged, community college educated well groomed, slightly overweight, thinning hair male escort available for all occasions.  High school reunion, “I married a millionaire so suck it class of 79” role playing a specialty.
12:37:  Call Gow again.  No answer.  Leave another obnoxious message.  Chong wakes up.  He seems in tune/aware to Gow being on the phone.
12:41:  Gow calls. She has been drinking. She is driving home. I tell her I am decidedly not impressed.
1:13:  Gow calls, She is home now. I read this piece to her. Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask  is on HBO. Yay!!!
1:15: Email my mother and step mother informing them that I ate cookies for dinner and am now sitting too close to the television where it can perfectly ‘rot my brain’
1:18:  Cheech has been too quiet for too long.  Check on her.  She is eating my Nerf crossbow arrows/bolt
1:20:  Finished with this piece. Send to Gow for editing & posting.

The Clueless Keep Life Interesting

Posted: December 2, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in General, Home, Observations
Tags: , , ,

Today while sipping my morning coffee at 2 in the afternoon…( Hey, I’ve been at work and or school the past 6 days and nights and I’m having a “Me Day” consisting of ordering in and watching Bonanza re-runs…OK?) I got a call from Gow who was at work. She needed to vent about her co-workers who were stepping on her dress. Gow works in a cubicle veal capacity and her first grievance was of two co-workers carrying on a speaker phone conversation with each other on opposite sides of her cubicle. Apparently getting up and walking 10 feet to carry on a normal conversation was too obvious. She was also having cafeteria issues. People who would stand in moving lines acting as “human cholesterol” as she so beautifully put it. She also complained that at least once a day people would pull an abrupt 180 while in line and cause near collisions. It would seem that Gow, like the rest of us has to contend with members of the human race who aren’t aware of their surroundings and frankly don’t care.

Being a New Yorker, I am all too aware and frequently annoyed by these people. There are 8-10 million NYers in the Metro area, and my careful research estimates that at least half a million of them are oblivious, Mr. Magoo clone, Me-Monkeys who plod through life text messaging as cars screech to avoid collisions all around them because they forgot their first grade teacher’s important lesson of looking both ways before they cross. Besides, that “Where R U” text message from the friend they just hung up with 5 minutes ago is very important.  Yes folks, we are now living in a Chaplin-esque nightmare.

As irritating and exasperating as the clueless are, they are an important part of our society. We have bike reflectors, street signs, traffic lights, small claims courts, traffic cops and sign makers all making products for these folks to ignore. I am convinced we are about one generation away from everyone having to wear helmets. Oh, don’t get me wrong, these people give me ulcers too. They walk a precarious line of behaving in an obstructive and inconveniencing way that drives those of us who are paying attention crazy, yet if we chose to confront them all, we’d scream ourselves hoarse within a couple hours. I’d have a severe case of tennis elbow in no time at all if I acted upon my impulse to hit them.  I’m never at a shortage of writing material with these people.

I can see why they might have trouble figuring this out. . . no, wait . . . I can't.

Every day I ride my bike to work or school. I try to use the bike lanes when they are present, but sadly many motorists interpret the stick figure bicyclist painted on the lanes to be a high speed passing lane for their cars. (Well done Road Warriors.) Then I have my fellow bicyclists who haven’t figured out the intricacies of the big arrows showing us which lane we belong in. (It’s either that or there are more English drivers here than I was aware of.) As if the inner city Nascar drivers and directionally challenged bicyclists weren’t enough, for comic relief we need text messagers deeply engaged in “conversations” while walking down the middle of the bike lanes rapidly texting “Wut she say then?” and other equally important information that just can’t wait.

Bathrooms and bathroom behavior are another great source of material for the human race slapstick troop. Now, I’m not a plumber, but surely I’m not the only person who understands that a toilet filled to the brim with water, little brown battleships, 6 rolls of toilet paper and a cigarette pack should decidedly not be flushed; unless, of course you enjoy watching the impending fallout. Me?  I prefer  movies, music, discussion and other forms of entertainment…but hey I guess my sense of entertainment is more highbrow. I used to work at a bar whose plumbing had been installed in the 1930’s by ”Larry,Moe and Curly’s  Plumbing and Accounting Firm “.  As a result, there were lots of…situations that had to be addressed. I understand that these things happen, but I can’t be the only one who has a clue in regards to dealing with or avoiding them. When I first started working there I was young, idealistic and naïve. In my innocence I thought…silly me…that putting a large “Out of Order” sign at eye level would act as a deterrent. Sadly this was not to be. People would read the sign and after doing so would still enter the tainted and fragrant bathroom and start logging like Paul Bunyan. I know they read the sign. I saw their lips moving and a look of utter confusion come across their unibrowed face. It was clearly going to take more than a sign, so in addition to the sign, I would lock the door and put chairs in front of it. This sadly didn’t work either, as those who felt gastro-intestinal rumblings would just move the chairs aside, pick the lock, read and ignore the sign and proceed with their bombing mission. Finally I decided to fill the broken toilet stall with barstools, with the sign, the lock and the chairs in front of the outer door. It took less than an hour before I walked in to see someone taking the chairs out of the stall.  “What are you doing?”  I asked?  “I have to go to da baffroom” they’d slur at me. Not only do I have to share a planet with these people, but they have also been known to reproduce at an alarming rate. I know that my old black labrador retriever learned pretty quickly when I pushed his nose into the grumpies he lovingly deposited on the kitchen or living room floor, swatted him with a rolled up newspaper and said “No..No..NO”.  I have no doubt that Jonah the dog was smarter than most of the drunks using our humble outhouse. I asked my boss if we could hire a big ex-con to do this to our bathroom gremlins. He said he’d have to think about it. In the end, he just told me to keep an eye on things. I think it was because he was too cheap to go along with my creative solution.

Not exactly what she looked like, but you get the idea

A couple of years ago there was a woman with 5 kids and one in the oven changing her baby’s diaper on the folding table at the Laundromat. I stood and stared at her with the same expression my father had when my brother and I decided to fill his gas tank with sand. We had been trying to help him with the energy crisis of the 80s. We were also 6 years old. I had to resist the urge to shove her into a triple loader and run off with her baby and raising it as my own. I’d raise it to have a clue. The clueless team seems to be winning the numbers war. Somehow they have figured out how to copulate, but not the intricacies of the condom. I am convinced that there is a direct correlation between people with 4, 5, 6 or 7 children and plummeting IQs. I was behind one of them in the supermarket once. After scanning her 3 carts of items while her children ran amuck, the cashier told her the total of her purchase. Of course she didn’t have her money out…that would require forethought.  No, reading Soap Opera Digest and ignoring her brood while they vandalized gumball machines and terrorized other shoppers was priority number one.  Finally, after digging through her designer Louis Vuitton purse for her cash and food stamps, it turned out she didn’t have quite enough for the purchase. The grocery bill came to $312, she had a total of $84. She stood there looking confused for a moment while others in line mumbled “Oh come on.”  and other such things. Her face lit up. She had figured out what to do. She picked up the money and food stamps and rearranged them in the hopes that this would somehow change the total. Oh, Goodie. I’m in line behind a mathematician.  Maybe when we are done here, she can help me with my algebra homework, or file my tax return.  She could also have a promising career with the Congressional Budget Office. They need the help. Finally the clerk explained that she’d have to put some things back. The people in line behind me were evacuating to get in other lines with old ladies brandishing handfuls of coupons and homeless people returning brimming garbage bags full of empty cans and bottles. Then there were “Express Lines” to take 40 items to. They obviously had places to go and people to see. As for me, I had to stay put and watch the car wreck. After looking over her pile of groceries and carefully deciding what she would return to make up the $220 shortfall, she finally came to a decision and reached over, grabbed a packet of frozen peas and slowly handed them to the cashier, then stood back and smiled. Yeah, that takes care of the $220 shortfall. Well done. I pulled my shopping cart out of the line and left it to the side. I caught the eye of a store employee who’d probably have to put back all the items and apologized. He held a hand up as if to say “Don’t worry, I’ve got this.” He too is a veteran of the war against the clueless. Maybe supermarkets should set up a “Stupid Lane” and a “Senior Citizen Lane”.  Instead of the death penalty, we can sentence our most dangerous felons to be lobotomized and then teach them how to scan items at the grocery store. It’s important for the clueless to interact with those on the same cerebral level.

There are millions of examples of this kind of behavior. It’s never going to go away. We will continue to make signs, and make them simpler and simpler to understand. No friends, short of running electrical current through everything the stupid people might touch, we are going to have to take along the stupid folks for the ride. It’s just a pity we can’t leave them in the car in a hot parking lot in August with the windows rolled up after telling them ”I’ll be right back.”