Black Friday

Posted: November 27, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in General, Life, Observations
Tags: , , , , , ,

Horror Classic indeed

As is my custom, this morning I woke up, made coffee and drained the hog. (I know that’s a tremendously vulgar term, but I like it) The morning pee is always a pleasant ritual for me. Recently Chong the cat has been jumping up on me mornings after hearing me groan and turn the alarm off. He walks on top of me, smiles, purrs and kneads my full bladder, knowing that this is one of the few things that will rouse me. I lay in bed desperately having to urinate, going over the potential excuses I might have for blowing off school or work, and the clever lies I would tell my employers, co-workers or teachers…..  Let’s see, I used ‘food poisoning’ a few months ago at school, but not at work…then there is always ‘I have to let me landlord in to make repairs’….   Many times Gow calls to wake me up. Gow understands that I am essentially a hibernating bear once sleep over takes me. She wants me to get to school and work like a good boy. She gets that sometimes an alarm and Chong are not enough to do the trick and I am a hot mess if I don’t get 12-14 hours of sleep at a stretch. Truth be told if I had rolled over and gone back to sleep, or called in sick I’d feel guilty about it later.

Not quite the same, but still worth a look

I go back into the kitchen and prepare my coffee. (a little milk and two Splenda) I turn on the news, then I check my email. Today’s top story…Black Friday.
Black Friday is the Friday after Thanksgiving.  It is the biggest retail day of the year. It’s a holiday of consumerism. Every year there are new images of harried shoppers waiting outside for the stores to open and making a mad dash once the gates fly open. Every year it gets a little more disgusting. This morning there was a story about a woman who turned and pepper-sprayed all her fellow shoppers to keep them from getting to the merch that she wanted. Witnesses reported that the woman had been bragging to others in line about having pepper-spray and being prepared to use it. Not only was her behavior socially disgusting, but she felt somewhat virtuous about it. This is obviously the kind of person who sees nothing wrong with their behavior, regardless of how it is presented to them. It’s along the same selfish and fucked up mentality as parents on welfare who keep pumping out units. They don’t get it, they don’t want to get it, and this attitude exacerbates to observers how maddening their unacceptable behavior is.
I’m also upset that this is, for the most part, and American phenomena. My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of trashy asshats who bring weapons to shop in case someone else gets too close to the wide-screen TV they had their eyes on. These are my people. These are the countrymen that I defend when my foreign friends make too many remarks about how much we suck. I can’t defend this kind of behavior, even if I wanted to. I’m just embarrassed to be an American when crap like this happens. I’m sure the Germans feel this way in regards to the Nazis and the Holocaust.
I swear this is the kind of crap that makes people around the world hate Americans. It’s not hard to hate that kind of behavior. It’s just so loathsome that people in other countries who are starving or dying of thirst would in all likelihood behave better in a food line than this woman did. I don’t even know what sort of punishment would suffice for her hideous actions. Maybe something with a Puritan panache. A scarlet letter on her clothing? (SSB for “Stupid Selfish Bitch”)  Maybe it’s time to bring back the pillory for these winners. Maybe we should do this the American way. Put her on some reality TV show and vote for what we want to have happen to her. “For those who want her sentenced to shovel manure in Mississippi for the next 20 Augusts, call 555-9999,  For those who want her banished to an ice floe call 555-8888, for those who would like her to be a Republican nominee for president call 555-7777.”
Pat Metheny and David Bowie once wrote a song for the film The Falcon and The Snowman that was titled “This is not America”  It was about the corrupted ideals of the American people. There are some great people here;  kind, decent, funny, brilliant, generous and charitable. So why do we have the Kardasians, Paris Hilton, and women who pepper spray others in stores?
After calling Gow and reading the first draft of this piece to her, she pointed out something equally irritating that will inevitably emerge from this idiocy above and beyond the call. This woman will be found (she fled the scene) and then we will have a new psychological debate about her behavior. It’s not enough in America (and sadly, once again, only America ) to just say “She’s a selfish, stupid bitch, and a horrible human being.”  Nope. Can’t have that. Not in America  We will need all the celebrity “doctors” who use their first names after “Dr” (I’m talking about you Phil, Drew and Laura) to chime in. There will be debates on The View and other shows about this idiocy, with a litany of psychological explanations and new conditions. “Overtly Aggressive Shopping Disorder” or some such crap. I can literally see the “intervention” that Dr. Drew will have with her. It will be spun that she has become aggressive in her shopping because she never got the Holly Hobby Oven she wanted as a little girl because her mother wasn’t assertive enough with her Christmas shopping and now she is emotionally scarred for life.
This woman intentionally brought the pepper spray and was just looking for an excuse to use it. That’s premeditation to a certain degree, which in the eyes of the law is a worse crime. Regardless, she will have options. Some savvy lawyer will see the earning potential and after getting her off, will get her a hosting job on some Shopping Network show, or maybe even as a villain WWF wrestler: fighting under the moniker “Patty Pepper Spray: The New Queen of Mean”.
Maybe if I start behaving in an equally disgusting manner, I’ll get some fame and have more than 10 readers. Maybe I should pepper spray the unbelievably annoying woman at Dunkin’ Donuts, who after 8 years still screws up my order. Then at my trial I will cry and talk about my lousy childhood.
  1. HerMajestyQueen says:


    I am really enjoying your writings…thank you, HMQ

  2. Tallkronan says:

    I think dickheads and cunts like that exist all over the world, Scottylove. Don’t be ashamed of Americans. Be ashamed of humans. Feel better? 🙂


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