I Love New York

Posted: November 22, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in General, Life, Me & Mine
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
I live in a crappy, overpriced, under-heated, terribly maintained, 2 bedroom apartment that I share with a roommate, 2 cats and an extended family of cockroaches who refuse to sign the lease despite my repeated requests. My apartment building is in a congested, polluted city full of rapists, muggers, and door-to-door Born Again Christians.
My landlord, in terms of basic maintenance and repairs, is more useless that tits on a bull. Once when I asked him to fix the water damaged walls and ceiling in my bathroom he looked at me earnestly after accessing the situation and asked in his patented “Duh-which-way-did-he go” voice…”What are you taking here, hot showers?”  
Many would ask “Why would you spend so much money to live in such an armpit?” Well, one reason is that I like to gripe, rant, bitch and complain. This living situation provides ample ammunition in these pursuits.  I also love this city and the crazy people who have chosen to call it home. I have a front row, 50 yard line, court side seat to all kinds of vastly entertaining insanity.

A writer living in NYC should never complain of writer’s block. It is tantamount to a rich kid being tired of playing with all of their incredible toys. They’re just spoiled and oblivious. Anyone calling themselves a writer in NYC who is out of subject matter just needs to pack a lunch and ride the subway or set up a lawn chair at a busy intersection and take notes. It’s all there: perpetually angry people mumbling to themselves. Chic, yet vapid fashion princesses spewing forth utter nonsense on their cell phones. Bemused Mexican/Latin American workers silently keeping everything moving and softly uttering brilliant irony in Spanish (One becomes semi-fluent in Spanish by living here) and then there are my people…the curmudgeons. Ever rolling their eyes, heaving loud, impatient sighs and barking snarky comments as we pass by those who are annoying us at that moment. (With me it’s usually the text messagers walking along in a Mr. Magoo-like fog of obliviousness that is both unbelievably annoying and awe inspiring at the same time.)  My most recent impulse that I have been struggling against acting upon is placing my hand, middle finger extended upon their cell phones, or swatting their phone to the ground and stomping on it angrily for taking up an entire sidewalk or stairway.

As angry, bitter and pissy as I am, I have seen so many over the top, crazy and vastly entertaining things. I’ve even taken part in some of them. I look back with a special, warped pride about the time I super glued a bright orange jelly dildo to one of the plastic seats on the N train at 4 am. It sated my overall anger with the city’s public transportation system momentarily as well as making some rush hour commuters trip to work or school more entertaining. You know, something to discuss at the water cooler at work. It’s important to make the cubicle-veal-suit-and-tie-set’s day a little more interesting.
I love the Mariachi bands singing obscene songs in Spanish for clueless tourists in Times Square or in the subway…I love the tourists who wear sandals with socks and stare in awe at the buildings over 3 story’s high (Well I love them when they aren’t walking in front of me slower than a crippled snail on valium)  I get teary eyed with pride as I watch city bus drivers treating red traffic lights as if they are optional and scattering hapless pedestrians like so many pigeons. Speaking of pigeons…every time I am lucky enough to see one of these rats with wings drop a deuce on a well-dressed man or woman, I make a wish.
Yes, as it says on the paper coffee cup… “I ♥ NY” 
  1. I once watched while a group of japanese teen tourists inspected their black bottomed feet after walking around the city in flip flops. They laughed and showed them off like a badge of honor. All I could do was wonder how many people’s spit and boogers were now being tracked around by our tourist friends. This was a great blog! Also, I love the pic of the lady in the gold outfit hailing a cab. Only in New York LOL.

  2. Tallkronan says:

    I love NY too. And your writings. And you are right, if you call yourself a writer and live in NYC there is NOOOO excuse for being out of material. Ever. So you’d better keep it up! 🙂

  3. asklovegigi says:

    This is a great one!! People either love NY or hate it. I am the former – I mean where else, in a five hour period, could I have witnessed a fairly well dressed man taking a dump in a pizza box – on the subway….and then break my big toe ramming into a contortionist who was shoved into a clear box?? Best people watching place. EVER.


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