Sharing a Planet

Posted: August 17, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in Life, Me & Mine
Tags: , , , , ,
I have many expressions and terms that are specific to me.  My close friends and family understand my unique terminology and I’d like to think they appreciate it to some degree. 
 
To give you an idea, here are a few examples.
 
The Mail or Moving the Mail – This has to do with bowel movements and regularity.  “Boy that black coffee really moves the mail.”
 
Fluffy Foldy –  Laundry
 
YumsFood, Eating  “I’m going to have my yums now.”  or “I need to call you back I am cooking yums.”
 
Jesus Land – The Midwest or any rural area abounding with politically backward and or ignorant people
 
Lobster in Your Jock Strap / Stepping on Your DressBad news or causing people problems. “I don’t mean to put a lobster in your jockstrap, but I need you to work late tonight.”  or “My mother is really stepping on my dress lately.”
 
Me Monkey(s)Selfish, self centered people, oblivious to everything and everyone.
 
You get the idea.  I probably didn’t need to translate these, as they are used contextually.  You’d have to be a serious dysfunctional to see me carrying Tide and fabric softener stating, “It’s Fluffy Foldy time” and not be able to figure out my meaning.  Some of these expressions are mine and all mine.  Others I have heard and loved or were a group effort. 
 
Another favorite comes from my friend Steve which is “Why must I share a planet with these people?”  I think Steve and I may have been discussing Sarah Palin when he said this. The interesting thing is that Steve is not the perpetually angry ogre that I am.  It takes some serious offense or stupidity for Steve to utter this phrase, whereas I can barely walk 10 feet without saying or thinking it.  Every day I am bombarded with people whom I just wish would find another Earth…people obliviously text messaging while “walking” in front of or into me, Reality TV “stars”, politicians, etc.  There is no shortage of people I have no desire to share this planet with.
 
Even a heavyweight contender curmudgeon like myself finds things they love from time to time.  Everything can’t suck…just most things.  Frankly, I think I get a better appreciation of life’s little nuggets. 
 
Take today for example.
 
I was just about to turn off the news, which I watch everyday for anywhere between 10 minutes and 2 hours before I inevitably change the channel in disgust, and  I was so happy to catch this brief story.  Sadly the “news” didn’t deem it important enough to open a small window in the lower corner of my TV so I could watch it unfold… but very often good things come in very small doses.
 
Today in Texas a fellow grabbed a six pack and after imbibing a few, stole an industrial forklift, scooped up his dog and went on a slow speed chase down the highway, almost hitting cars, giving people the finger and throwing empty beer cans at them as he drove past.  These are the kind of people I ENJOY sharing a planet with.  He was driving slow and no one was hurt…plus, he took his dog along. 
 
Of course he was shirtless as that is mandatory for these kinds of episodes.  I bet when he finally makes bail his dog will be psyched to see him.  How is that for loyalty?
 
I have had a similar idea before, but have never had the gumption (or enough beer) to try it which is to put on a hockey helmet and a hospital gown, steel a steamroller and drive around laughing maniacally, while playing Wagners “Ride of the Valkyries”
 
Either that or take a chainsaw to jury duty or to a job interview.
 
Witnesses posted footage of the incident on YouTube
 
I only wish someone had put a song to this footage…maybe “Proud To Be An American” or “I Need A Hero”.  Of course the beauty of this event, besides no one getting hurt is the stellar spontaneity of it.  I found myself wishing I was ridiculously wealthy so I could have paid his bail ($100,000 by the way.  Sounds reasonable) and taken him out for a beer to get his side of things.  I also found myself wishing he had called a friend on his cell phone and maybe tried to pick them up.  “Hey Cletus,  Ah’m in yer neighborhood, whatcha up to?”
Comments
  1. Poopie Pants says:

    I’m so thankful to be sharing this planet with you! Lol

    Whenyou hijack a steam roller don’t forget to pick me up. I can’t wait for the wind to blow in my hair as you speed around blasting “Ride of the Valkyries” and we both laugh like deranged senior citizens. 🙂

  2. Tallkronan says:

    Yes, a truly wonderful story! I wonder what became of the guy. And the dog. Bless their hearts!

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