Posted: August 12, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in Entertainment, Me & Mine
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Yay! Scarface is on!





 I love this silly film. I don’t love it in the dumb assed “gangsta” way. I think it is one of the top American comedies of all time. I have owned almost ten copies of the film on DVD or video over the years. At least 5 or 6 copies were thrown away or hidden by my ex-girlfriend Gail. I can’t really blame the poor girl. I have always fancied myself as having one of the all-time great Tony Montana impressions ever. After viewing the film I would spend the next week to ten days strutting around our apartment with that belligerent frown and working the impression into every conversation Gail and I would have. 

“Eh, Gail…It’s jor mother on de fon. Jew tell ‘er I said to say goo’bye to de bad guy.”

Then, after she ignored me, I’d try to speak to her mother while Gail held me at bay with her arm.

“Hey mamma, whatchoo doing?”

One of my many faults is to take anything I find to be funny or entertaining too far. Poor Gail. She was a reasonably good sport about the whole thing.

Having very poor impulse control, I still slip into doing Senor Montana at odd and inappropriate times. Job interviews, presentations at school, jury duty and the like. Unfortunately the more inappropriate the occasion, the more fun it is to become Tony. It’s probably for the best that I don’t drive. I have too many anger issues and I would certainly be pulled over on a regular basis. Of course my skewed and questionable judgment would compel me into thinking “Maybe Officer Friendly would enjoy some Tony Montana”

“May I see your license and registration please?”

“Eh, Le’ me tell jew soneting mane, H’okay-e?”

“Sir, have you been drinking tonight?”

“Why don’ choo try sticking jor head up jor ass….see if it fiss.”

“Step out of the car please Sir.”

Then, because of the difficulties in appropriate restraint that have gotten me into trouble my entire life, we would have a Rodney King revisited type of situation.

If I weren’t such an incredible slob, I would totally invest in a white, 70’s style disco suit with some gold chains. Who knows, it might be a good look for me. I just don’t recall Tony having gravy stains on his white suit.

It's just a click away. Should I? (

On YouTube there is an Asian fellow from England who has a great clip on how to do a Christopher Walken impression. I would like to do a similar clip or maybe an instructional booklet on how to do a proper Tony Montana impression. Other people are gifted painters, surgeons, accountants, chefs…Me? God has gifted me with being able to sound like an over the top, cult film drug dealer. Here are a few tips on doing a successful Tony Montana:

Facial Expression: A sneering, exaggerated frown, with a hint of smelling something unpleasant. Practice in a mirror.


H’okay-e = OK (“Dass H’okay-e, another quaalude, chee gon love me in de morning”)

Dass = That’s

Dee = The

Cockaroshez = Cockroaches (“Fok Casper Gomez and fok de foking Diaz brothers, I bury doze cockaroshez”)

Mane = Man

Kiz = Kids “Jew lie kiz? Jew know I lie kiz”

Chee = She

Jew/Choo = You

Jors/Chores = Yours

Prollem = Problem

Tole = Told “I tole jew, don’ ever fok wit me, but jew wounna lissing, well, look at chew now”


“Dass H’Okay-e”

“Another quaalude chee gon love me in de mornin”

“Pussycat, jew know wha chew prollem ees? Jew got nothing to do wit chore tine…Be a nurse”

“Chee nah for jew”

“Gotta get organize”

…..and the best of all “Jew nee people lie me, so jew can poin jor fingers ang say ‘Das de bad guy’, so say goo’nie to de bad guy”

Hint: Avoid using “Say ‘ello to my little fren.” It’s too cliché, and there are much better lines in the film.

The other key to having a funny Tony Montana is to use it with random and inappropriate abandon. Don’t do it at parties, at bars or on a date. It will be tempting, but all it does is give license to people who suck at Tony Montana to keep saying “Say Hello to my little friend” over and over until you laugh out of courtesy, or stab them. Save your Tony for unique and clever occasions.

At the proctologist: “All I have in dis worl is my word an my ballss and I don break ‘em for nobody”

During a Tax Audit: “Eh, whatchoo got? I’m washing dollars”

or for the ladies “My womb is so polluted, I can’t even have a baby”

You get the idea. Have fun.

I got an email today about a special screening of Scarface later this month. Perhaps I should go and ruin or enhance the cinematic experience with my impression and commentary. I can’t see anyone going who hasn’t already memorized the film.

Check it out at

SCARFACE Gets A One Night Re-Release On August 31


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