Getting Old

Posted: April 11, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in Life
Tags: , ,

Some people are afraid of getting old.  I suppose I have a small amount of fear at the prospect, but I am also looking forward to it in many ways.  When you think about it, old people get away with most anything.  It’s almost like being a small child again in that respect.  Here’s just one example:

My mother and I were at the movies once.  The coming attractions were just starting after the commercials.  Commercials at the movies REALLY piss me off, but that’s a rant for another occasion.  I will pause here to admit that I am something of a movie nazi.  I don’t like people coming in late.  I become borderline homicidal towards people who talk during movies beyond a brief, whispered comment.  I even get nasty with my poor mother when she asks me questions during films like: “Who was that and why did they kill him”  “Geez Ma” I growl back ” I don’t know, but since the film JUST began and it’s a MYSTERY, I’d be willing to bet that we will probably find out in the next hour and a half.”

Anyhoo: The coming attractions were just beginning and I enjoy watching them.  A little old man came in late, stood in front of the screen and yelled back at the audience “What Movie Is This?”  No one answered him so he yelled out again, louder this time “What movie is this?”   I hissed the title at him so he would shut up and sit down or leave the theater.   “WHAT”? He said and asked again.  I barked the title at him again, louder this time.  “Oh” he replied. 

No thanks for the info and he didn’t sit down right away either.  He just stood there in a stupor of senility so that I had to see his outline over my beloved coming attractions.  My mother whispered angrily in my ear. “Be nice, he’s just a poor little old man”.

See?  If anyone else of any age pulled that kind of crap, people would be angry.  Personally I think he did it on purpose.  I think many old people play these kinds of games out of sheer spite and boredom.  Then they go to Bingo and laugh with their friends, telling stories about how they annoyed the younger generation.

So I am looking forward to annoying people and getting away with it as an elderly person. If you REALLY want to irritate people, the trick is to may it look like it is not intentional.   As a small child and as a very old person you are more or less allowed to get away with everything.  The problem with being a child is that you’re too young to enjoy it, and adults will occasionally try to remedy your unacceptable behavior, but old people have that ” Aw he’s/she’s old” reasoning going for them.

I am also looking forward to having my personal hygiene being the responsibility of someone else.  Since I don’t have any children and don’t really care for kids to begin with this will probably leave me with the added bonus of tormenting nursing home employees and medical professionals.  I want to be so awful that I will be looked upon as a punishment for orderlies on the nurses shit list OR a sick sort of rite of passage/hazing for new employees.  I long for the days in the nursing home of stealing others medication and crapping myself so I can yell   “Hey dipstick, don’t you SMELL that? C’mere and change me you lazy bastard” I want people to quit their jobs because of me.  I can also get away with saying outlandish and inappropriate things and people will just listen and try to placate me in order to get me to shut up.  “Hey that fat homo doctor stole my wallet.”  Or “Where’s that nice nurse with the big titties?”

Another thing that will be oodles of fun is making people stand behind me in grocery store lines as a I unload my cart with the speed of a glacier on valium, and then go over the receipt and argue with the cashier about every other item while I laugh inwardly at the people in line behind me seething with hatred.

Yes, I am looking forward to getting old.

  1. Tallkronan says:

    You evil little thing! 🙂


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