Archive for April, 2011

Mr Bojangles

Posted: April 11, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in Life
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A while back I wrote about a funny little blind man that sings “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” on the subway while begging for spare change.  He had no skills whatsoever as a blind man.  He was hunched over, swinging his blind man’s walking stick like a spastic Viking berserker with a battle axe.  He made his way slowly through the subway car, falling on passengers and repeating the same 4 lines of the famous Rod Stewart song over and over tunelessly.  Whenever he fell on someone he’d apologize. Whenever someone gave him money he’d stop his singing for a quick “Thank you very much, God Bless you”.

Today when my N train pulled up to 59th St and Lexington Ave, Mr Bojangles shuffled in.  I was delighted.  In the strange and illogical private spirituality that I practice, I believe in omens.  I felt this odd little man was a good omen while I was on my way to work.

I sat back out of the range of Mr Bojangles cane and smiled as he started off with a selection from Billy Joel.
” Don’t go changing……To try to please me….”  I prayed to myself…” Oh please, PLEEEEASE have him sing ‘Do Ya Think I’m Sexy”…..  Sure enough, after 4 lines from “Just The Way You Are”, he started to bang out his signature song.

” Iiiiiif you want my body.”…
“annnnnd you think I’m sexy”,
” Coooooome on sugar,”
“let me …………”

He moved through the subway car collecting more money than most professional singers in NYC see in a month, falling on people, and pausing with “Oh excuse me’s”  and “God Bless you’s” Seeing disgruntled commuters duck and dodge as he waved his walking stick brought a smile to my cynical and angry face.

I want to get this guy on Letterman or American Idol.  With his filthy blue sweat pants pulled up to his chest, bent over and a sickening grin on his face as he recites 4 lines of random songs completely out of tune.  It was a good day to be riding the N train.

Getting Old

Posted: April 11, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in Life
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Some people are afraid of getting old.  I suppose I have a small amount of fear at the prospect, but I am also looking forward to it in many ways.  When you think about it, old people get away with most anything.  It’s almost like being a small child again in that respect.  Here’s just one example:

My mother and I were at the movies once.  The coming attractions were just starting after the commercials.  Commercials at the movies REALLY piss me off, but that’s a rant for another occasion.  I will pause here to admit that I am something of a movie nazi.  I don’t like people coming in late.  I become borderline homicidal towards people who talk during movies beyond a brief, whispered comment.  I even get nasty with my poor mother when she asks me questions during films like: “Who was that and why did they kill him”  “Geez Ma” I growl back ” I don’t know, but since the film JUST began and it’s a MYSTERY, I’d be willing to bet that we will probably find out in the next hour and a half.”

Anyhoo: The coming attractions were just beginning and I enjoy watching them.  A little old man came in late, stood in front of the screen and yelled back at the audience “What Movie Is This?”  No one answered him so he yelled out again, louder this time “What movie is this?”   I hissed the title at him so he would shut up and sit down or leave the theater.   “WHAT”? He said and asked again.  I barked the title at him again, louder this time.  “Oh” he replied. 

No thanks for the info and he didn’t sit down right away either.  He just stood there in a stupor of senility so that I had to see his outline over my beloved coming attractions.  My mother whispered angrily in my ear. “Be nice, he’s just a poor little old man”.

See?  If anyone else of any age pulled that kind of crap, people would be angry.  Personally I think he did it on purpose.  I think many old people play these kinds of games out of sheer spite and boredom.  Then they go to Bingo and laugh with their friends, telling stories about how they annoyed the younger generation.

So I am looking forward to annoying people and getting away with it as an elderly person. If you REALLY want to irritate people, the trick is to may it look like it is not intentional.   As a small child and as a very old person you are more or less allowed to get away with everything.  The problem with being a child is that you’re too young to enjoy it, and adults will occasionally try to remedy your unacceptable behavior, but old people have that ” Aw he’s/she’s old” reasoning going for them.

I am also looking forward to having my personal hygiene being the responsibility of someone else.  Since I don’t have any children and don’t really care for kids to begin with this will probably leave me with the added bonus of tormenting nursing home employees and medical professionals.  I want to be so awful that I will be looked upon as a punishment for orderlies on the nurses shit list OR a sick sort of rite of passage/hazing for new employees.  I long for the days in the nursing home of stealing others medication and crapping myself so I can yell   “Hey dipstick, don’t you SMELL that? C’mere and change me you lazy bastard” I want people to quit their jobs because of me.  I can also get away with saying outlandish and inappropriate things and people will just listen and try to placate me in order to get me to shut up.  “Hey that fat homo doctor stole my wallet.”  Or “Where’s that nice nurse with the big titties?”

Another thing that will be oodles of fun is making people stand behind me in grocery store lines as a I unload my cart with the speed of a glacier on valium, and then go over the receipt and argue with the cashier about every other item while I laugh inwardly at the people in line behind me seething with hatred.

Yes, I am looking forward to getting old.

People I Can Do Without, And Suitable Punishments

Posted: April 5, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in You & Yours
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1. People at the gym who sit on the benches or at the weight machines talking on their cell phones. I’m tempted to start sitting very closely next to them, well within their ‘personal space’ staring and smiling until they get the hint.

2. People on crowded stairways or busy sidewalks who interrupt the flow of traffic, walking slower than a glacier going uphill, because they just have to respond to that urgent “Wat U Up 2” text. Let’s introduce a bill making it legal to throw rocks at these people.

3. Bicyclists that don’t obey the rules of the road, who ride like Mr. Magoo, forcing pedestrians and motorists who are obeying the laws of traffic to stop short, jump back or run just to avoid being hit by them, They should be sentenced to ride a tricycle with training wheels and a neon orange flag that reads “Asshole” everywhere for 3-5 years.

4. Any corporate employee who makes a 6 figure bonus on top of a 7 figure salary with benefits after the corporation has lost money and/or got bailed out by tax payers. Bonuses are incentives to do a good job or to work harder. They are also used to attract the best and brightest to make innovative decisions that make the company, shareholders and gasp, even the employees more money. They should never be automatic and never given when a company has a poor performance. Sentence these people to shovel chicken shit in Mississippi for the entire month of August for minimum wage, fed nothing but Ramen Pride and Kool Aid and forced to listen to Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” for every second of that month.

5. Men who make unwanted comments at women walking by. Sentence: 40 hours of go go dancing in a sequined thong at a truck stop gay bar.

6. Barbers and Hairstylists who do a bad job and still charge for the haircut. Sentence: They must sit down in the chair after handing the client the scissors. They will then be charged double and a 40% tip, as the victim smiles and says “No, really, it looks good!!!”