Bad Valentine’s Day Ideas

Posted: February 14, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in Advice
Tags: , ,

Let’s face it, for most of us Valentine’s Day pretty much sucks. Certain holidays are just precursors to depression. Here are a few helpful hints to insure your Valentine’s Day lives up to its suckitude.

Drink 2 bottles of wine and call all of your ex’s. Cry, accuse them of ruining your life, then ask if they have any plans for tonight.

Pay a bag lady or homeless man to sing “You Are The Sunshine Of My Life” to you.

Buy yourself 6 huge overpriced  heart shaped boxes of low quality candy. Eat all of it while listening to Nine Inch Nails “The Downward Spiral”, then place a mirror across from you, take off all of your clothes and sit amidst all of the chocolate wrappers and stare at yourself.

In lieu of a date take a cousin of the opposite sex to an expensive dinner.  Drink too much and then confess that you always “thought they were kinda hot.”  This will also insure a miserable and uncomfortable Thanksgiving. Actually this would also work with a cousin of the same sex.

Hire a prostitute and pay them to pretend to be your Valentine. Make them write a “love poem” for you.

Spend the day at Wal-Mart, reading all the cards until you are asked to leave the store.

Call your parents and ask them if you’re ugly.

Buy a dermatology textbook. Drink 4 double espressos and look at the skin disorder photos while listening to Johnny Cash’s “Hurt”

Go to a karaoke bar alone and sing “Feelings”.  Repeat until people throw things at you


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