Archive for January, 2011

Benevolent B&E

Posted: January 16, 2011 by S. Trevor Swenson in Observations
Tags: ,

How can you tell if you’ve had a gay burglar?
The furniture is rearranged and there is a quiche in the fridge.
Old Joke
“Well it’s no wonder you can’t find anything in that pig sty you call a room.”

Today while in algebra class one of my silly notions occurred to me. What if there was a person, or people who break into other peoples home, but only to do benevolent things? Stuff like cleaning, organizing, baking a batch of cookies or rice crispy treats. Of course this is still a total violation. In fact, in some ways it’s even worse. A burglar wouldn’t be returning to a house they’ve hit, plus there is the slim possibility of the police catching the burglar, and getting some of your things back. But, a person who breaks in and say, dusts your mantle . . . that smells pungently of the strangest kind of stalker-creepo.

The ‘benevolent’ act would have to be noticeable. Perhaps a note could be left after whatever deed was done. “While you were out I polished your furniture, but I am afraid you ran out of Pledge before I could get to the bedroom set.” or “I took the liberty of doing your tax return, it’s on the table awaiting your signature.”

The victim of this invasion would probably not even be upset at first. They would call friends and family and ask if they were the culprit. Slowly a sense of dread would seize them. Then they would call the police. Now of course, this is breaking and entering and trespassing and possibly some other crimes under stalking laws. Yet, I wonder how hard the police would work on this. What if there was a rash of these break ins? Would the detectives have a map of the area with colored map tacks with a chronology of the ‘crimes’? Maybe a list of what each act like “152 Ave A Apartment 5C . . . dishes done, fresh flowers left in vase” “220 5th street Penthouse . . . coin jar emptied and all coins rolled, silverware polished” and “300 Ave B Apt 3C . . . apple pie baked, left on kitchen table, windows washed, and bathroom tiles re-grouted”.

After a while the press would catch on. They would dub the offender with some cutesy moniker like “The Brillo Bandit.” I am a big fan of police sketches, especially after an arrest has been made and the offender turns out to look nothing like the sketch. The true beauty of this, as far as the criminal is concerned is that they would almost certainly be sentenced to psychiatric observation as opposed to jail time.

This also reminds me of a former cleaning person employed by the bar I used to work at. He had very severe Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, which in a sick and sadistic kind of way, made him a fantastic cleaning person. I remember smelling the bleach emissions from the bar 50 feet away