Archive for November, 2010


Posted: November 25, 2010 by S. Trevor Swenson in Life
Tags: , , ,

I just finished watching some football games, and something very interesting occurred to me.  It is an enforced rule in professional football that players are not allowed to “taunt” the opposing team at any time, especially after scoring or capitalizing on a mistake the opposing team has made.  Anyone caught “taunting” can and will be fined for doing it.

I don’t understand this for one second.  Big, macho, bad-ass football players aren’t allowed to tease each other, yet getting broken bones and concussions is “just part of the game”? If you ask me, taunting should be an integral part of the game. Teams should hire unemployed comedy writers to come up with new, malicious and entertaining taunts. Even teams that have horrible losing records might end up benig the best at taunting.  I can just hear the announcers now.  “You know Howie, Detroit hasn’t won a single game all season, but I just love it when they collectively moon the other teams stadium after every big play.”

Are you trying to tell me that football (or any sport for that matter) wouldn’t be more entertaining if after each score the winning team sent players over to urinate on the other team’s emblem? I think after every victory the winning team should chase down the losing coach, take his pants as a trophy of sorts and give him a wedgie.  It would certainly add something to the post-game interviews with the losing coaches. “Coach: how do you feel after this loss?”   “How do I FEEL? I just got my pants removed and my underwear pulled over my head by the Panthers defensive line on national TV!!!  How do you THINK I FEEL?”

I think the reason behind any taunting penalties is for the sake of the kids watching the game.  Yeah, kids don’t know anything about taunting. Anyone that thinks this has never dreaded a beating during recess. So, we get rid of the taunting for the message it sends the kids, and yet bombard them with commercials that seem to say “Just order a Coors light and sexy, nubile 19 year olds in skimpy cheerleader outfits will have a pillow fight on the bars pool table to decide which one gets to go home with the Coors man.”  I have been drinking beer for 2 decades now just waiting for that to happen.

The Bitter Insomniac

Posted: November 25, 2010 by S. Trevor Swenson in Me & Mine
Tags: , , , ,

I laid down to sleep but my aggravation over my screen writing class kept me awake. I figured my time would be better spent chain smoking and looking up negative things on the internet . . . After looking up “The Least Funny Comedians” on Google I actually felt better. I think I should have my own talk show at 2 or 3am called “The Bitter Insomniac.” I’d have a side kick who didn’t speak a word of English, but who would laugh at everything I said. Maybe a fat and jolly fellow from somewhere in South America. The kind who seem to be a requirement on Spanish television. I would wear my prized blue bathrobe and slippers for my talk show and would interview quirky everyday people. High school lunch ladies, Korean women from nail salons, the guy who delivers my tacos, former roadies for Bachman Turner Overdrive, people who collect commemorative plates etc. I’d have performance art pieces like young badly behaved children drinking RedBull and playing dodge ball with senior citizens, amputee break dancers, and crazy homeless people choirs.

In lieu of a regular band I would compile the worst subway performers, tuneless mariachi artists with gold teeth, the creepy blind guy who plays the theme from The Godfather over and over and of course Mr. Bojangles the emaciated little blind black man who sings “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy”

Honestly, can The Bitter Insomniac be any worse than the soulless “reality” TV being churned out at breakneck speed these days?