Technophobe

Posted: October 25, 2010 by S. Trevor Swenson in Me & Mine
Tags: ,

I am a technophobe. I am afraid of new technology. Actually I am afraid of old technology also. Not too long ago I went to Orlando Florida only to return to find that all the clocks in my bedroom had stopped working over the weekend. This was distressing as I need my alarm clock to wake up for my dreaded morning classes. I try to schedule as few morning classes as possible. It’s interesting as often my morning classes turn out to be my favorite, despite that whole getting out of bed thing. I was further upset that one of my prized possessions; my Cookie Monster “Time For Cookie” clock was also stuck at 5:10 with the second hand having a perpetual petit mal seizure. The Cookie Monster clock was a gift from my friend Tiffany and the beauty of the clock was that it was quite literally always “time for cookie”. Sadly, now cookie time only occurs twice a day and often at times when I am not in a position to indulge.

After hearing of my clock issues a friend mailed me an iHome iPod/Clock thingy. I love getting presents in the mail. I am like a child at Christmas. I check the weight and texture of the box, I shake the package and try and determine what new toy I am getting. The iClock thingy looked complex. First I stationed it on my kitchen table on a pile of bills. When I came home I would glare at it suspiciously. The person who was kind and thoughtful enough to send it to me kept inquiring about the gift. She is quite aware of my aversion to new technologies and was very understanding when I told her “It looks complicated.” One must remember that I say the same things about microwave ovens, toasters and other complex machinery. As one does when they give a gift she has kept at me about it. “Have you opened your present yet?” I felt I shouldn’t lie in this instance. It would be an insult to her thoughtful generosity, so I told her what I had done with the clock thus far.

“I put it on the floor in the center of the room” I told her. “I circled it suspiciously batting at it occasionally with my paw. Then I sniffed it, tipped it over and ran back to my room”. She listened patiently. “I came back a couple hours later and it hadn’t moved so I put it back on the table”.

Now she sends me instant messages daily asking if I have opened it. “No, but I will” I reply. Tonight I finally opened it. Sure enough there was an instruction manual roughly the size of a Tokyo phone book. I knew it!!! I hate instruction manuals. My mom would buy me Legos and Lincoln Logs as a child and I enjoyed them, as long as I didn’t have to contend with the instructions. I’d wing it. I would make my log cabin or Lego abortion clinic on my own. Sure there’d be a few pieces left over, but I was happy and that’s all that matters.

After opening the box I held it using just the tips of my fingers and sporting a facial expression of confusion, suspicion and mild disgust, like it was a combination calculus problem written on a soiled diaper. I put it back in the box, but it wouldn’t go back in properly. I shook it and shrieked at it. Finally it went back in. I put it back down and growled at it again.

I hate technology.

Comments
  1. […] would do all of the grunt work since he’s rather incapable in that area. (Did you read “Technophobe“?) I’m not sure how much of an editor I am. Really, I’m more of a friend, a fan […]

  2. Tallkronan says:

    I enjoyed this! I can see you infront of me as I make it through the text. God, you’re annoying! And funny! But what ever happened to the gift/clock?

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