Stay Positive, People Hate That

Posted: September 9, 2010 by S. Trevor Swenson in Advice
Tags: , , , ,

This week my friend Rachel closed an email reply to me with “Stay Positive, People Hate That.” It’s such a great quote that it totally made my day. I went on Google to see where she’d gotten it, but I couldn’t find it there. If she came up with that one; I am in awe. It’s so true and so relevant to my life right now. After a serious tough love lecture to me by a friend regarding my overall attitude last winter I have been trying to stay positive. It’s not something that comes naturally to me, but as much as I hate to admit it, I think it has made me a better person and maybe even a little happier. The beauty of the “Stay Positive, People Hate That” quote is that I also love pissing people off. It is probably my second favorite hobby, right after coin collecting. Now if I can piss people off, without actually being a bastard . . . that’s even better. Not that I ever intend to entirely give up my bad behavior. It’s too big a part of me.

I have been thinking of positive ways to deal with the annoyances that I constantly rant, piss, bitch, moan and rave about. Instead of having fantasies of savage beatings of the people who feel it necessary to walk slowly in front of me and text message, perhaps I should tap them on the shoulder and with a big friendly grin ask, “Hey, who are ya texting, Can I see?” The next time a loud and intrusive beggar gets on my subway with an invasively loud monotone pitch for spare change . . . ” Ladies-And-Gentlemen-I-Am-A-Homeless-Person-Living-On The-Streets-I-Have-Lost-My-Job-Because-Of-My-Eight- Children–I-Am-Sorry-to-Disturb-You-At-This-Time . . .” Maybe I will smile and get in on the act with a loud and intrusive monotone of my own rather than just sitting there and turning up the volume on my iPod in an attempt to drown out their voice. “Ladies-And-Gentlemen-I-Am-A-Poor-Commuter-Who-Is-Trying-To-Get-From-Point-A-To-Point-B-Without-Being-Annoyed-Mugged-Or-Solicited . . .”

After being turned down by another bar that only hires female bartenders, instead of getting angry, I shall dress in really bad drag and re-apply.

When I am on the phone with a customer service rep in India, I shall use it as an opportunity to practice my Hindi.

Where there are screaming and badly behaved children, with oblivious parents, I will just scream along with them. I’m sure I will find it therapeutic in a very primal kind of way.

I will write inappropriate love letters to politicians who once gave me ulcers.

In regards to my daily irritation of the Dunkin’ Donuts shift supervisor with the creepy lazy eye who always gets my coffee order wrong. I won’t correct her as she makes it, I will simply smile and keep sending it back complimenting her every time she has to remake it ” Good try, you almost got it”, “Great . . . you’re getting warmer” ,”Oh I really thought you were going to get it this time . . . so close . . .”

When little old ladies take entirely too long in grocery store and bank lines in front of me, I will politely ask to see pictures of their grandchildren. Then someone in line behind us can assume the role of ‘Negative Nancy’ and yell at us to move along.
I shall become the biggest and most outspoken fan of Paris Hilton, The Kardasians and reality TV. . . maybe if a middle aged dork like me seems to like these things, their popularity will wane.

While waiting 2 hours past my appointment time to see a doctor or dentist, I shall use that time to write down my medical ailments in a clever, yet cryptic haiku for them to puzzle over for hours.
I shall find out the home phone numbers of the financial aid workers at my school and call them at home with my inquiries, rather than subject them to my ill-tempered and impatient questions. People are generally more relaxed at home evenings and weekends anyway.

I will ask the young men who wear their pants tightly belted at the base of their asses to show me how they do it, because it’s such a great look, that I just have to get in on it.

Who’d have thought being positive could alleviate so much stress.

  1. Walter says:

    A sure fire way to make my sister and brother extremely angry with me is by saying, “I love you.” They go nuts.

  2. Tallkronan says:

    Funny! I like your thoughts here! I would LOVE to be there for you walking up to a group of kids to ask about their pants! 😀


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