Archive for June, 2010

Thoughts On Alien Abduction

Posted: June 29, 2010 by S. Trevor Swenson in Observations
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Aren’t alien abductions just a trifle predictable and formulaic?  It’s always rednecks or campers or people driving down a dark deserted road at night.  Then there is a the exam, the anal probe and then the subject is dropped off a few hours later with vague memories of the experience.

If these aliens can travel at light speed then wouldn’t one assume that they can tap into our television and radio via satellites?  Why don’t they ever come and abduct a celebrity?  Not a MAJOR celebrity like Dolly Parton or Charo . . . someone more like Clay Aiken; someone we wouldn’t miss for a few hours.  Alien abduction could actually be a major career boost for someone like Kevin Federline.

Is a sense of humor strictly a human quality?  If I was flying around the universe picking up test subjects and dropping them back off, I’d have a little fun with it.  At the very least I’d dress them up in funny costumes before returning them back to Earth.  “I don’t remember what happened officer, I just woke up on this football field wearing a bright orange tuxedo with the right and left shoes on the wrong feet”.   Why not use some of that superior alien technology to play some freaky practical jokes? Graft a couple of extra fingers on some poor redneck while he is up in the ship.  At least he’d have something to talk about between Pabst Blue Ribbons.  “Hey Cletus, this here guy don’t believe you got 8 toes after being abducted, I done bet him a beer, now take yer boots off and show im.”

Everything is so clinical with these aliens.  Aren’t there any interstellar fashion pioneers out there, bopping around the galaxy, abducting people and giving them a makeover?  Maybe the aliens don’t allow gays in their space navy?

I keep trying to be abducted myself, but no dice so far.  I go up on my roof, weather permitting after showering, shaving and applying Calvin Klien Obsession (I want to make a good impression on the aliens).  I usually wear my bathrobe to the roof, because I don’t want my clothing to confuse the visitors.  Many victims of alien abduction have complained about having their clothes mis-buttoned or their flies unzipped.  I go up on my roof with a flashlight and wave frantically at the sky.  No luck as of today, but I am ever hopeful.