Today while browsing the want ads I happened across an ad for servers, bartenders and other staff for a brand new Ruby Tuesdays set to open in Times Square. During this particularly horrifying and lengthy job hunt I have moved well beyond applying where I’d like to work. In fact, I’ve moved well beyond total and complete desperation…I’m actually a few days short of coming up with a clever sign to hold while begging on subway platforms ( maybe something cute “Please Help” with a backwards letter “S”… “Aw he’s illiterate honey, give him a quarter”). So, suffice to say I really don’t want to work for Ruby Tuesdays, and especially not at a Ruby Tuesday’s in Times Square which is a homing beacon for the most annoying, idiotic and cheapest tourists in the universe. However I am not, as my friend Boring Brian used to say, “Too proud to be unemployed”. A job is a job.
So I followed the link to the online application that Ruby Tuesday’s had set up via a company beautifully ironic name “People Matter”. I started filling out all the questions…Name, address, references both professional and personal…No, I haven’t been convicted of a felony etc ( at least none that Ruby Tuesdays would ever find out about heheheheh). After 20 minutes of basic info I came to a personality test that according to People Matter should take 40-60 minutes. Apparently the folks at People Matter assembled a team of sadistic feebs with degrees in psychology and business to assemble the single most idiotic, mundane and redundant hour long questionaire… ever .One could pull more useful information from my ex-girlfriends old Cosmopolitan magazine quizzes that I used to fill out while in the bathroom. “Hey honey, do I satisfy your inner goddess?” Predictably, most of the questions People Matter came up with dealt with honesty, morality and viewpoints on team work. I happen to love team work except for the other people ( ie The TEAM) involved. Did the geniuses at People Matter or Ruby Tuesday’s really expect people to answer that they have always found most of their co-workers do be more useless than tits on a bull. Back when RTs had paper applications was there an avalanche of too many applicants who claimed to hate being part of a team. “Hey there is no “I” in “Team”, but there sure as Hell is a there is an M and an E… ME”
In regards to honesty, had they found that dishonest people generally answer their little survey truthfully? If they wanted accuracy, they should have employed my step mother. She had 9 kids ( 10 with me) and could always tell when someone was lying. At the very least she could narrow things down to 2 or 3 of her children and punish those culprits. It prepared us for the justice of adulthood. I’ll bet she works cheaper than the drones at People Matter . All of the answers to these questions had vague replies to choose from,”Strongly Agree, Somewhat Agree, Occasionally Agree, Somewhat Disagree, Strongly Disagree” After the first half an hour of this incredibly redundant stupidity, I started to get annoyed…but hey, I needed the job. Finally I had a minor meltdown at the question: “I obey the law more often if there is a chance I will be caught.” Huh? Let me see if I understand this question correctly given the answers I am allowed to use. “I strongly agree that I obey the law more often if there is a chance I will be caught?” So, if I think I can get away with something I will break the law? Then there is a other end of the answer spectrum. ” I strongly disagree that I obey the law if there is a chance I will be caught”..I have to be honest here, I just wrote that last sentence, but I don’t know what it means.
“Have you ever taken anything from work that didn’t belong to you?” “You mean besides those $50 bills and the wet naps…no, oh wait, I did steal lots of urinal cakes and several gallons of low fat Italian dressing and 6 , no…wait 7 toothpicks, but I can honestly say I have reformed since then…Oh sorry, I mean Uh ‘Somewhat Agree” no… no, scratch that…I mean “Occasionally Agree”
Remember, perspective dishwashers have to go through this rigmarole too.
I want to pause here and say that I have only dined at RTs a couple times in my life. The food was average American chain restaurant fare. If you were to line up the burgers, fries, the chicken stir fry,or buffalo wings from Ruby Tuesday’s, Applebees or TGIFridays, nobody could tell the difference. RT’s did have a salad bar complete with…Jello? The only memorable experience I had at RTs was when my moms and I were at a mall and stopped in for a couple burgers. I vividly recall the waitress, a perfectly pleasant young lady, who was overly attentive, bordering on being a pest. Now this becomes an awkward situation. On one hand I’d like to be able to manage 2 bites of my burger without being asked how everything is 3 or 4 times. On the other hand, one can’t very well get angry with a person who is both trying to be pleasant and attentive as well as doing what their employer tells them. So our options as diners was to be annoyed or be a little rude to a working person doing their best at a difficult job. Think about it, there is no polite way to tell someone to back off, or leave you alone. “Can I get you folks anything else?” “Yeah sweety…20 feet of distance and half an hour free of you…thanks, you’re a dove”
It dawns on me that many of the policy makers at RT’s probably have very little hands on restaurant or service industry experience. They are suits who may have studied restaurants, but probably never worked in one. These are the people who throw all encompassing statements around like “The customer is always right” . Oh really? So, if Customer A drinks 3 or 4 martinis and harasses Customer B at the bar and loudly calls her a “stuck up bitch” when he is rebuffed…then Customer A is always right? Gotcha. I wish this was a bad example, but things like this happen on a weekly ,if not daily basis in restaurants and bars. Interesting that the brainiacs at People Matter didn’t have any situational or contextual questions like this.That test would have a great deal of validity. They did, however want to know how many nickels there are in $17. Does this situation frequently arise at Ruby Tuesdays? ” I’d like the surf and turf with the fake lobster, the salad bar, but only if the jello is fresh. and a Coors light…and I have this bag of nickels here…” Let me get the manager. As I continued with the test, I began to wonder what kind of damage a sock full of $17 worth of nickels might cause if brought down repeatedly upon the CEO of People Matter’s pointy little head.
Online applications are a waste of time. Conceptually speaking they sound good like online dating sites, but all too often they miss the mark, and produce a bad match. “Oh hey this guy sounds great, he likes the opera, he’s a devout Christian and is a New York Rangers fan” What his little questionnaire probably didn’t cover was how much he delighted in blackening the eyes of his past 3 girlfriends when they burnt his toast or put too much half and half in his coffee.
People lie, people embellish, people exaggerate and most frequently people just aren’t that self aware. Online applications punish the honest and self aware and reward liars and the seriously deluded.( If working at Ruby Tuesdays in Times Square could be seen as rewarding) This experienced reminded me of something I learned many years ago and that is to immediately cease and desist all conversations with someone who utters the phrase “But, the computer says…” This person is incapable of complex thought and it is a fools errand, or perhaps more accurately a tools errand.
I am guessing I am not the only person who sees the delicious irony in the company’s name “People Matter“. The very fact that you designed this exercise in idiocy for a multinational corporation that treats it’s staff like dried dogshit goes to show that people really don’t matter so much… I suppose in fairness “People Don’t Matter” isn’t really a corporate name that inspires interest and trust, unless perhaps if it is an advanced robotics company. One would think if people mattered then they’d have, oh I don’t know, a person doing the interviewing. According to my mother and my best friend, I am both a nice boy and a special, unique little snowflake…and I strongly agree.
I’m a firm believer in letting punishments fit the crime. I would love for the people who designed these tests to be locked in a stuffy and humid room and told to fill out their own questionnaires with broken pencils and to have a violent gun totaling amphetamine addict twitching while pacing back and forth and keeping time for them. The real pity was the meltdown I experienced 40 minutes into the questionnaire causing me to quit….According to People Matter, this makes me what is known in the industry as a “Quitter”. It’s probably also a little sad to note that 40 minutes is my meltdown point with such things. Maybe the folks at People Matter know this and that anyone who can manage to plow through and finish will actually be hired. I wish I was a little more sad at the prospect of not being Ruby Tuesday’s material.
In addition to People Matter, I am having a small spat with a recruiting company called “Harri”. Over the past 3 weeks I have received responses to the resumes I have sent out. I see the mail in my in- box and instantly cheer up a little. Finally someone is responding, finally a potential job, only to be denied. Harri.com simply wants my resume and application to pad their numbers. I resent the deceit. I resent my situation being exploited. I resent Harri.com pretending that I will have a job if I just fill out their questionnaire. I tried to be a well adjusted and wrote a couple nice emails to Harri.com and asked them that while I understand that they are trying to grow their business, but would it be possible to not do this at my expense? I expressed very clearly that I had no interest in dealing with Harri ( Short for Harried I’m guessing). Harri wrote back and expressed sorrow, but, no they were not going to leave me alone. Then they signed me up for their mailing list.. Sites like Harri make me understand why people design computer viruses.
I just want a damn job. I have an extensive resume filled with a solid work history and great references. Furthermore I am a good worker. I am reliable, hardworking and I take a lot of initiative to go above and beyond the call of duty regularly. Being unemployed, I am already jumping through plenty of hoops in the hopes of landing a new job. I spend time, effort and money to dress nicely, to travel to and from interviews and open calls, to print up copies of my resume etc. I’m an honest person. With the exception of the occasional stray buffalo wing, I don’t steal. With the exception of needing to take a personal day or two every year, I don’t lie to my employers either, and i wouldn’t have to lie if I was given 2 personal days a year.
People looking for work in today’s job market have more than enough flaming hoops to jump through without adding more hoops or applying more lighter fluid.